Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
by Wicked Enough
Summary: /RKRC BEST HUMOR/Kenshin's Diary/ Entry 709: "Hey, Tomoe, remember when you and Akira were young and played doctor? Now that he's dead, and we're all grown up, how about giving up that family practice so we can play gynecologist?"
1. Shake My Little Tush on the Catwalk

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 1: Shake My Little Tush on the Catwalk

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, but I do like to screw around with the characters! Also, anything mentioned in this story, such as Inu-Yasha characters and "Bring it On" quotes, ignore! I don't own those either!

Author's Note:

I really am tired of writing serious stuff for a while... It's really fun, but just for a little while, I need to write something completely ridiculous. If I don't get reviews or support for this (which I probably won't), oh well. This story is just for fun! I hope it makes you guys laugh–I cracked up writing it!

Now, this is Kenshin's personal diary. That's right, Kenshin's thoughts! It's extremely OOC, so it's very crazy! Enjoys!

* * *

**Entry 1:**

It's horrible being this pretty. Everyone comes after you. Yeah, you know why Shishio came after me with those crazy maniacal laughs? That's why. Even before he was burnt to a crispy crisp, he hated me. Just because I looked sooooo sexy and he didn't. That's why Saitou hates me too, you know. And Okita, too, but he's pretty pretty, too, but not as pretty as me because I was the prettiest of the revolution. I think most of the people I killed were too mesmerized about how pretty I was to notice that I was slicing them to ribbons. Oh, I love being pretty. It's just so nice to feel—

**Entry 2:**

Couldn't finish my statement on how pretty I was because Kaoru asked me to do the laundry.

I hate laundry. It makes my hands all dry and icky and stuff. And I hate that kind of soup. No natural moisturizers at all.

**Entry 3:**

I heard that westerners use soap made out of nasty, icky animal fat. How can you get clean in that? Don't they add lard into it? Gross. Lard is so nasty.

**Entry 4:**

God, Yahiko can be so annoying. He's just jealous that no matter how many times he swings that stick, he will never look as sexy as me when I swing around a glinty sword with my hair behind me. Really, that is such a "rwoar" moment.

**Entry 5:**

That's one of the reasons I use that sword in the first place. Regular swords shine but a reverse-blade sword captures the light so much better. Glinty glint glint! Flashy flash flash!

**Entry 6:**

I am such a better cook than Kaoru. I mean, she uses so much oil! That's why everyone hates her cooking... Low fat diets are in and she just decides to lay on the rich stuff. Gross. Only I know how to make something so delish that you don't know you're eating fatty stuff!

**Entry 7:**

Eww, look at Sanosuke! He thinks he's so sexy being tall and buff. He is, though. Like, not quite as sexy as me but not too far away but not too close, either. He's like, a 8 on a scale of 1-10, 10 being me. The second sexiest to me would be Aoshi when he was 13. He's like, a 9. Ooo, he was really sexy!

**Entry 8:**

Man, some people just let themselves go. I mean, look at him now! He's all tall and icy and stuff. And he doesn't even do icy well. I am awesome when icy. I look so tasty, I know it.

**Entry 9:**

Oh, and Soujiro, too! That kid was so cute. But I guess cute isn't the same as sexy, huh? But he was very pretty. Especially when he got all emotional and stuff. Man, I so didn't want to be there when he started sobbing but I guess he chased after me or something. He's very fast. That comes in very handy when the fan girls come.

**Entry 10:**

Brrr... Fan girls.

**Entry 11:**

Brr! It's cold in here! I think there's some Kenshin in the atmosphere!

YES! YES! YES! I am soooo sexy!

**Entry 12:**

I don't think there's a bath house in all of Japan that isn't monitored by fan girls. Last time I took a bath I had to go into the high mountains and find a hot spring even though most hot springs are being monitored by other people like old guys.

**Entry 13:**

Old guys are such pervs. Especially that Okina guy. I was all relaxing and trying to take a bath and he comes in buck naked and asks me if I want to wash his back. Eww!

**Entry 14:**

It's hard being this sexy.

**Entry 15:**

But having your eye color change on command is sooooo great. I am sexy both ways but with amber eyes I look like a sex god. Oh yes! Sanosuke, you know you want some of me!

**Entry 16:**

Wait, Sanosuke? WTF?!

**Entry 17:**

Haha! I used WTF in a sentence!

**Entry 18:**

Wait, that's not really a sentence, huh? WTF is much more of just a comment, really. Right? Wait, what? I have gotten myself confused.

**Entry 19:**

Oh, I look so cute when I'm confused! My eyes get all big and innocent and ooo! It's so cute! God, it's hard being this cute and sexy at the same time.

**Entry 20:**

Oh, crud, what would happen when I got old?

**Entry 21:**

It's okay, I will clone myself.

**Entry 22:**

But will I really have to? I mean, I'm already 28 and still I look as sexy as Hell!

**Entry 23:**

That's right. Hell isn't as sexy as me.

**Entry 24:**

You know who else is sexy? That Sesshoumaru guy from Inu Yasha. Roar, is that demon fine or what?

**Entry 25:**

And to make it better, he's bi! OMG, that would be just so nice and sexy to have a three-some with him! He is so pretty but not as pretty as me. He's too tall to be completely and totally sexy. But he's damn close.

**Entry 26:**

Wait, what if he was as pretty as me?! I might have to kill him.

**Entry 27:**

Yes, I will kill him. I will slice him up like sashimi.

**Entry 28:**

Yum, sashimi. Sashimi is fish and most fish have good fatty acids in them! And fatty acids make your hair and skin absolutely glow! Oooo! I want sashimi.

**Entry 29:**

But how come they call it a fatty acid? Is it like lard? You put it on your hand and it burns? Eww! I am never eating fish again. I might burn my youthful skin.

**Entry 30:**

Oro! I think Kaoru saw me with one of her kimonos on!

**Entry 31:**

Oh, it is okay. She thinks she's imagining that I have a sister.

**Entry 32:**

Even my sister wouldn't look as sexy as me! Wow, I am so damn fine. No, I am past fine. I am like, foine. That's right, there's an "O" in foine! That's how sexy I am!

**Entry 33:**

I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts! I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party! I'm a model, you know what I mean! I do a little turn on the catwalk, yeah, on my catwalk. I shake my little tush on the catwalk, yeah, on the catwalk!


	2. To Do Listing

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 2: To-Do Listing

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, but making them do funny stuff is all me. This also includes blatant references to Disney songs and Justin Timberlake. And the bit about the birdie's beak is from the song "Bimbo No. 5" by Weird Al Yankovitz. Teehee.

Author's Note:

Ahahaha... This story makes me laugh. And of course, when I write stuff like this, I'm usually listening to influentially music, such as Weird Al Yankovitz and South Park music. Oh, God, I'm wacky. Well, come enjoy this crazy story!

* * *

**Entry 34:**

Did two loads of laundry today. I never knew that Sanosuke wore _those_ under those white pants.

**Entry 35:**

He's lucky. White pants usually make people's thighs look huge. Eww! Fat thighs. The only thing thighs do is make your butt look big. And, of course, I've got a tasty looking asssss-k me no more questions! Tell me no more lies! The boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their flies are in the meadow, bees are in the park, Miss Suzie and her boyfriend are kissing in the D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K, dark, dark, dark!

**Entry 36:**

Ayame and Suzumi make up the strangest rhymes.

**Entry 37:**

Really, I don't think I would ever want children. Two days ago Ayame asked me where she came from. I asked her if she meant place. She said no, not that. I took her to Megumi. Megumi then looked at me and blushed.

"Oh, Ken-san! Is that what you want to know?"

I personally have no idea what she's talking about. All those drugs must have gotten to her head.

**Entry 38:**

Ahaha! Get it? Get it? She's a doctor and she used to make opium! I am so good.

**Entry 39:**

Go Kenshin, it's your birthday! Go Kenshin, it's your birthday!

**Entry 40:**

Actually, I'm not quite sure what my birthday is... You know, with the lunar calender back when I was born and all that jazz.

**Entry 41:**

Hey, you want to know something really funny? You know those Greeky geeky people? Well, their Goddess of Love and Beauty (ahahaha! Yeah right. I am the most beautiful. Yes I am. I am so sexy it hurts! It really does! Wait, what was I going to say? Oh yeah...), was made when this guy Cronus (who was such an ASS) castrated his father, Uranus. Get it, get it? He castrated YOUR ANUS?

**Entry 42:**

Oh, I am so smart and funny! I am awesome in everything!

**Entry 43:**

And not to mention I am GREAT in bed.

**Entry 44:**

We all know it.

**Entry 45:**

If there was a birdy on my... how's-your-father, I could make the beak go REALLY big. On command. That's right. You know you want this control.

**Entry 46:**

Yes! Yes! YES! I AM THE SEXIST!

**Entry 47:**

Kaoru sent me out for tofu again today. She's so weird. She hates tofu! Even when I cook it! I don't know what's wrong with her. She's so weird sometimes but man, when she's just in those breast bindings... Yummy. Like delish stuff.

**Entry 48:**

Bought tofu... Never really noticed how kinky it is.

**Entry 49:**

Oh, jiggle that bucket Kaoru, jiggle it!

**Entry 50:**

Naughty, naughty Kenshin. I am so sexy when I am naughty, though. I am absolutely lick-able.

**Entry 51:**

When you look in the dictionary for "sexy", you find a LARGE picture of me. That's right. I am so sexy.

**Entry 52:**

If I were a chick, I'd dig me. I would KILL for me. I really would. I am so worth it.

**Entry 53:**

You know why Saitou married? Let's relive those moments.

Attempt 1-

**Saitou:** Hey, pretty thang... What's your sign?

**Me:** YIELD. STOP. NO TRESPASSING. DO NOT ENTER. You want more?

**Saitou:** (Weepy weepy.)

Attempt 2-

**Saitou: **Your body is a temple.

**Me:** Services are not opened today. Please come back in your next lifetime, when you look like me.

**Saitou:** (Boohoo.)

Attempt 3-

**Saitou:** Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

**Me:** Yeah. I was neutering your dog.

**Saitou:** (scared)

Attempt 4-

**Saitou:** (singing) I wanna be part of your world! (changes songs) L is for the way you look at me! (Changes songs) Hey Barbie, you wanna go for a ride?

**Me:** (pulls out reverse blade sword, in an outrageous French accent) I pull up what's inside and I serve it up fried!

**Saitou:** (still singing) Cry me a river!

Attempt 5-

**Saitou:** Tell me... Do you love me? Because if not...

**Me: **What, you'll go away? Well then, no.

**Saitou:** Fine! I'll go marry Tokio!

**Me:** Man, is she a goddess or something? I mean, to marry someone like _you_.

**Entry 54:**

I am so cool.

**Entry 55:**

And not the constipated-overweighted-outta-style-_loser_ type, you know?

**Entry 56:**

I don't think I could ever marry someone who weighted more than me.

**Entry 57:**

Ah... Well, goodbye, Kaoru... Sesshoumaru... Yuhi... Tasuke... Kurama... Aoshi-when-he-was-13...Guy who looks like Sesshoumaru... What's his name again...? Something that started with a "y", I think... Anyway... Shigure... Toya... Tamahome... And who else...? Oh yes! Kamui weighs the same as me!

**Entry 58:**

Shit, that guy is _soooo_ hot. Almost as hot as me.

**Entry 59:**

He's so much hotter than Aoshi when he was 13.

**Entry 60:**

Does that make me a child-molesting priest?

**Entry 61:**

Ooo! There you are, Miroku!

"Say hi to Yahiko for me!"

I have no idea what that strange man is talking about. Some people are so weird, you know. But... I will say hello. For not only am I extremely hot and awesome, I am also very polite.

**Entry 62:**

Yes! Found my daily to-do list!

1- Tell Doc Gensai that he's looking good today.

2- Do laundry, and be sure to tell Yahiko that now is the time for extreme trepidation towards Kaoru-dono.

3- Look sexy.

4- Find Megumi's secret stash of opium.

5- Buy more tofu.

6- Help the helpless.

7- Look sexy.

8- Say to Sanosuke, "Hey look! It's your old dead boss that my side of the revolution shot to death and then decapitated! I see him, I do, I do, I do!"

I'm missing something...

**Entry 63:**

I can't remember what it is. I mustn't strain myself. Straining yourself results in horrible wrinkles.

**Entry 64:**

OMG! I see a gray hair!

**Entry 65:**

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!!!

**Entry 66:**

Oh, just kidding. It was just a bit of string from the last time Ayame and Suzumi and I played dress up dolly.

**Entry 67:**

I played with "Sakura-chan", with her magical Clow Cards. Yes! So kick ass!

**Entry 68:**

_What_?! It's really fun if you know how to do the voices right.

**Entry 69:**

We used the string to play hangman with Yue from Fushigi Yuugi. God, she is SUCH a whore!

**Entry 70:**

Yue, you will never will Tamahome's heart!

**Entry 71:**

And besides, he has me. Why would he want a chick like you?

**Entry 72:**

I am so much sexier than Yue. Yes! I rock!

**Entry 73:**

Yue sucks! And swallows! Yeah!

**Entry 74:**

I still can't remember the last thing I had to do on my to-do list.

**Entry 75:**

"Kenshin! There you are! Why didn't you come home earlier! You have all of Japan to save... Again! Now all of Japan will burn and die and go to the dark place! It's all because... I can't believe you, Kenshin!"

**Entry 76:**

Oh... So that's what I forgot.

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

(If you are signed in, you will be in **bold**. If not, you will be underlined.)

Lil Rose Angel: Hey Catherine! What's up?! Long time no talk! I'm glad you like this new random creation. Oh god, what was I thinking when I wrote the first chapter? And started on the second chapter? And the third...? Oh wells. As for Sesshie-sama, I'll have you know I've had him on a leash for two and a half years. Yes... I lurve him... He's so precious. He's mucho mucho hot but since this is in Kenshin's POV, I had to put whatever came out. So... I LURVE Fluffy-sama!

**NightIntent:** Yes, every entry blends in with the previous one, or most of them do anyway. I did that because I'm completely random. I guess this would be more of a... write down whatever Kenshin's thinking kind of story, huh? All the same, I hope you enjoy this!

Nanaki: I'm sure Kenshin's feeling fine... Though we all know that deep inside, it's all about him. The only reason he washes laundry is because he likes to see himself in the water... Yes, he will mention his scar (in particular, chapter 4), and I promise it will be as funny as I can make it.

**PhAnToM TOMATO:** Fuzzy-sama? Hey! _Fluffy_-sama has been mine since 2001... Man, that was a long time ago. Oh yes, I adores him. I wrote so much about him back in the day... That was when I was crazy for InuYasha, but now since the category is too full, I kinda left. Pushed out, you know? When I first writing in the section, if you can believe, there were hardly 1000 stories. Anoway, we hi-light an important part... Sesshoumaru-sama is MINE! Haha... On last thing, I'm glad your mom thought this was funny! I tried my hardest to be totally random and out-of-character. Well, hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Midnit Cherry Blossomz:** I'm glad you enjoyed this! Personally, I thought I was on chocolate when I wrote this. Yesh, I probably was. Major OOC but still hilarious (I hope). Well, here's the newest chapter! Hope you enjoy this one too!

Iris: Wow, another person who enjoys incredibly stupid journal entries from our favorite ex-Battousai! And you're right about people thinking differently and Kenshin's response to it! Of course he'll start talking about his fine booty!

**I won't tell:** Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!

**Hyojin:** Jayyyy! I'm so sorry I didn't call yous! Please, please forgives me! Another story that you'll never finish? Jeez! I mean, another story that you'll be trying to finish? Teehee. You know what I mean. If you finish, I'll give you the money. Ahahahaha! Funny! Talk to you soon!


	3. If Jimmy Cracked Corn

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 3: If Jimmy Cracked Corn...

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, but I'm screwing them as much as those twisting Cheetos.

Author's Note:

As we all know, when Wicked Enough decides to go all out... She goes all out. It's okay, though, because as soon as school starts she's a serious stone again. Yeah... Serious**ly** stone**d**. Just kidding, of course. I have my Triple German Chocolate Cake to make me like this. Oh... Yes... drools

Well, go enjoy the crazy stuff!

* * *

**Entry 77:**

Kaoru got all pissy at me because the tofu I got wasn't silky.

And because I was late home.

**Entry 78:**

Well, excuse me, Kaoru-dono, but I like a little bit of firmness in a... square? Piece? What would you use as a word-y thing before tofu? Well, I like firmness in a bucket of tofu. Yes!

**Entry 79:**

There is just no stopping me.

**Entry 80:**

Well, better save Japan now.

**Entry 81:**

Oh, wait, I should shave first. Just so I can look extra pretty. No truly sexy character would have a six o'clock shadow. Icky.

**Entry 82:**

Where is that razor anyway? Hmm... I think I left it in the bathhouse but I was sure I took it out so I could see its gleaming blades... Strange...

**Entry 83:**

I hope Sanosuke didn't borrow it again. Last time it came back with scary stuff on it. God knows what. I had to throw it away... So sad!

**Entry 84:**

Found the razor! It was in the laundry basket in Kaoru's room... Hm... Oh well.

**Entry 85:**

SHIT! I nicked myself! Shity shit shit shit! There's blood! AHH!

**Entry 86:**

"Did you use my razor on your legs again, Kaoru-dono?"

**Entry 87:**

"No... I used it on my bikini line."

**Entry 88:**

I will never be the same again. And if this scars... I will eff-ing kill her. I have enough scar tissue on my face, thank you.

**Entry 89:**

Oh, it's okay. The nick is gone. I shoulda known that it would. I mean, every time I'm close to death I'm back to normal within two days. Oh yes! I am superhuman.

**Entry 90:**

There is no way I can be human, now that I think of it.

**Entry 91:**

Raced up that huge giant mountain in Kyoto to find Shisho... You know, my master, the one who refuses to join Alcoholics Anonymous. I swear, when he dies of liver cancer, I will laugh. But I might cry first. Because when I cry I look so sad and cute and all you want to do is hug me to your bosom. Yum... Kaoru-dono's bosom.

**Entry 92:**

"Shisho, are you sure I'm human?"

"No, dumbass, you're an eff-ing demon! DIE! WAIT! No, you're not. You're human! Yes! Yes you are! Hey, what are you doing?! Don't leave! Buy me sake!"

I think he's drunk. Well, now we know I'm a sexy demon. Rawr...!

**Entry 93:**

I think I'm forgetting something...

**Entry 94:**

Oro! Arrived in Tokyo to find the police station burned up. I wonder if that has anything to do with me.

**Entry 95:**

I distinctly remember being asked to save something... Was I cooking anything? Did I have to save Sanosuke and Yahiko from Kaoru's cooking?

No... That doesn't sound like what I said... Hm...

**Entry 96:**

That's right! I... I had to buy more tofu!

**Entry 97:**

"Save us, Battousai-sama! Save us from the horrible sexy villain who might even be more sexy than you are!"

**Entry 98:**

He... He... He might be _more sexy than **me**_?! HE WILL DIE! SCREW MY VOW!

**Entry 99:**

I will crush his face. And stick my perfect, elegant fingers into his eye sockets. And then I will flay the skin from his possibly sexy chest. And then I will take a staple gun and peel his lips back from his mouth (in the process reveling his possibly perfect white even teeth) and staple them to his ears. And then I will cut those ears off. And then I will shave him. Totally bald. And I will use that hair to start fires. And then... And then I would take him to a delicious little shoe sale, let him find his favorite pair of sandals, and then buy it, from right under his broken nose.

**Entry 100:**

Hey! Entry number 100! Let's celebrate by killing this little bastard! YEAH!

**Entry 101:**

101 Dalmatians! Oh, those puppies were so adorable!

**Entry 102:**

Was woken out of my daydreams of Kaoru-dono in a Dalmatian-fur bikini by a terrified politician, who, of course, grabbed my legs and screamed at me to protect him.

**Entry 103:**

Eww... He's absolutely grimy! Or is that blood...?

**Entry 104:**

Saw this newest villain, and I am proud to say that not only is he not as sexy as me, he also has no fashion sense in shoes.

**Entry 105:**

They're this sort of leather-covered monstrosities. So gross, unlike my cute sandals. Check this out. All of the best characters have pretty shoes. Aoshi has his Italian leather babies. Sano wears bandages (quite handy when you need to tie something together). Soujiro wears sandals, just like me, so he rocks 10 times as much as the rest of them. But this guy... Ugly shoes.

**Entry 106:**

"You are the legendary Himura Battousai?! Prepare yourself! I will cut you down from where you stand! I will be the strongest, having beat the strongest in the Bakumatsu, which really isn't true because the Shinsengumi were quite good, too, especially Okita, who was very pretty, and Saitou, who is pretty ugly but too bad he's still pretty alive, huh? Anyway, like I was saying, I will kill you and thread your head up on a lantern and play with it like a bunny with a piece of wood, but unfortunately that makes no sense. Well, before I was interrupted by my many fascinating ideas, I was talking about cutting you down like a giant red wood in the forest, which no one hears, but still makes a sound. Right?"

WTF is he talking about? Oh well. I just use the standard "I refuse" reply.

**Entry 107:**

"I can't do that, that I can't, Mr. Newest Villain. I refuse to fight you... That I do. Not because I have a vow not to kill and that we might accidentally kill random civilians around here, but because you have the ugliest shoes I have ever seen, that I have."

**Entry 108:**

Oh, damn, the guy burst out crying. I hate it when guys cry. Except for me and Soujiro. We look soooo very cute when we cry. You just want to hug us, even if it is awkward.

**Entry 109:**

"I HATE YOU, BATTOUSAI! I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! I WILL BOIL YOU IN NICE HOT WATER AND LET YOU STEW, AND THEN I WILL ADD SOME SALT AND ONIONS AND POTATOES AND CELERY AND CARROTS AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE SIMMERING I WILL ADD PEPPER AND SERVE YOU TO MYSELF ON A MOON-LIT SUMMER NIGHT UNDER THE SHINING STARS AND THE BRIGHT MOON AND THEN I WILL LAUGH! HAHAHAHA!"

**Entry 110:**

I'm going to walk away and wait for him to find me again. But, until then, I will look for another hot spring. All that time climbing up Mount Sake Daddy has made me sweaty, but not in an entirely ugly way.

**Entry 111:**

Just one last question, a very deep personal question that could revel to me your very soul... You must answer with complete sincerity. And then... I shall see... Whether you are a McDonald's or Burger King person.

If Jimmy cracked corn, and you don't care... Why are you singing about it?

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

**FengShuiSensei:** Glad you enjoyed it! I haven't written anything this chaotic in a long time, and I thought I'd lost my touch!

**NightIntent:** Still funny? Good! I hope we can keep it that way!

**GreenEyedFloozy:** LOL, sexy man Kenshin. That's right, Kenshin, shake that thang! Go Miroku, go Miroku! Make them dance! Yeah!

**Midnite Cherry Blossomz:** Hope this wasn't too late for you, since it's only been three days! However, I'm so happy off of Sparkling Apple Cider that anything's possible! Hope you had a nice holiday!

**ForgottenDreamsUnshedTears:** Don't die, don't die! A most sadistic death planned by me. Death by laughter... Sigh. LOL! I don't know what made me write the part about the dead boss, but I thought was pretty funny, so I did. Hope you enjoyed it!

Fhire: I hope your friend doesn't see this, as I'd like to keep my head. Can you tell me why it was annoying? If it's something I can change, I might reconsider and do just that!

Al: Wow, someone actually read by bio? Amazing... Just kidding. Thanks for the half-birthday wish, and a happy new year to you, too! Oh yes... Sesshie-sama... That yummy, yummy demon indeed.

**Sanika111981:** You agree with the Sesshoumaru part? Glad to know I'm not completely crazy!

**Rachridgeback:** Laughing gas got to you? And I thought that stuff doesn't work! I'm glad you enjoyed this... sinister amount of insane comedy by an author that loves to write angst. It's very contradicting, huh? Well, here's more for you to read and laugh over!

**X-iridescence:** This is the true side of Kenshin Himura. We all know it... He just doesn't admit it. Teehee. I'm mostly a drama/romance/angst writer, but it felt good to write about something completely nuts-so.


	4. Terrifyingly Kinky

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 4: Terrifying-ly Kinky

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. That's why this website is called _fan_fiction. See. Everything is justified.

Author's Note:

Just a short note this time, as I'm sure most of your are skipping this anyway, and besides, I don't have much to say. Hopefully, because I'm writing most of this at night, I can update every week to 10 days. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to spew them out. I love them! Thank you all for the reviews from last time!

And PS, if this chapter isn't as funny as the other ones, I'm sorry. Part of this chapter is one large inside joke, but it should still prove to be funny. I mean, who doesn't like terrifying-ly kinky stuff?

* * *

**Entry 112:**

Kaoru-dono was so surprised when I came home unscathed.

"Kenshin, Kenshin, are you alright?! Talk to me! Please, Kenshin, if you can't walk, don't force yourself—_Hey_! You're perfectly fine! Oh, whatever. Don't forget to get some tofu later!"

**Entry 113:**

I am so pretty...

**Entry 114:**

I think this scar makes me look dangerously hot. Rawr.. Man, look at that thing! It's just so... cross-shaped and sexy. And with the red-gold hair and the amethyst/amber eyes... And that lean, but muscular body... And my ass...

**Entry 115:**

Oo, it's getting hot in here! So take off all my clothes!

**Entry 116:**

Yum, yum. Kenshin on a plate.

**Entry 117:**

God, look at all those wanna-be people with cross-shaped scars. Especially in that one series, Rayearth. I mean, seriously! That Ferio guy... That Geo guy... That adorable Mokona! Wait... Mokona didn't have a scar... Never mind, then.

**Entry 118:**

Have you ever noticed how many animals are in Rurouni Kenshin? Saitou the Stupid is a wolf, but he will never be _my _alpha male. Kaoru-dono the Yummy is a raccoon, which is stupid, because she should really be a sex kitten. Sano the Sexy is a rooster, and therefore I can call him cocky whenever I want to... Or cockmaster... Or Viagra-man... And that now we know why he's always chewing on fish... boners... Megumi the Oversexed Nympho is a fox, which makes sense. Misao-dono the Mantle-less is a weasel, which, of course, makes zero sense. And what, Sesshoumaru the Pretty Damn Fine is a dog? Ooo... Well, he can be my bitch any day.

**Entry 119:**

What animal is sexy enough for me? None, that's what. No furry little thang is hot enough for me!

**Entry 120:**

If Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care... If Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care...

**Entry 121:**

Ayame came upon this sexy ex-Battousai with the strangest look on her innocent face.

"Uncle Kenny...?"

"Yes, Ayame-chan?'

"What are you singing to yourself? It makes Ayame think that you're smoking something."

"... ..."

"Ayame would like two of them, if you are."

**Entry 122:**

Children are so sweet these days.

**Entry 123:**

But even if she is sweet, I will never give her 'two of them'. Those babies are all mine.

**Entry 124:**

Though, with Megumi around, I'm not surprised Ayame-chan knows about joints.

**Entry 125:**

I should go up and wash myself up, as feeling dirty is nasty.

**Entry 126:**

Whoa... I think I got knocked unconscious by something and woke up in a closet. All I remember is going to a hot spring and then... Err... I think I was undressed, too.

**Entry 127:**

NO! It's the rabid fangirls! Noooo!

**Entry 128:**

Shit! I knew I should have gone higher up the mountain!

**Entry 129:**

Found my kidnappers, who are all rabid fangirls. But kidnappers and rabid fangirls are sort of a, what do you call them, cinna... Sena... Synonyms!

**Entry 130:**

Though I could easily break free of these restraints, I shall humor them.

"How did I get here, that I wonder?"

"We knocked you out with a daikon radish and then brought you here to be undressed slowly and tortured with the most terrifying-ly kinky whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries money could buy."

**Entry 131:**

NOOOOOOOO! Not the whipped cream! Not the whipped cream!

**Entry 132:**

Kaoru-dono, where are you when I need you to knock out other chicks who have the hots for me?

**Entry 133:**

When I had that one entry earlier, about how it was getting hot in here and that you needed to take off all my clothes, I was just kidding. You know that, right?

**Entry 134:**

They just took off the wrapper on the can of whipped cream.

**Entry 135:**

They are slowly stripping me of my shirt. Thing.

**Entry 136:**

They are shaking the cans of whipped cream.

**Entry 137:**

YES! I AM SAVED! Some guy just ran into here and smashed the door down!

**Entry 138:**

It's that guy from the last chapter!

**Entry 139:**

And he still has those pretty shoes. Well, pretty _ugly_, that is.

**Entry 140:**

"Help me, guy-that-wants-to-fight-me-and-mortally-wound-me-even-though-you-have-ugly-shoes!"

**Entry 141:**

"Now why would I do that, Battousai? I _knew_ that you would sudden get the Urge to Herbal, even though if you use too much of that stuff you start getting addicted to it like Edy's Double Fudge Brownie Ice Cream, so _I _told all the rabid fangirls that were stalking you for the last couple hours that you would go up some mountain to wash yourself slowly _and _sensually. They, of course, stationed themselves accordingly. Then I told them that the only way to knock out a swordsman without getting hurt themselves was with a daikon radish. Well, they got their radishes and they got ready to play. Then, just like in the plan, you went to the hot springs, and they attacked. Now, I know for a fact that the ten kinkiest foods in the world include chocolate sauce and whipped cream in a can. I supplied them with that. And what other way to make this experience even _more _horrifying? With strawberries, of course. Now... They will lick you all over! Finally, my revenge! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

**Entry 142:**

Dude, this guy needs help. Mental and fashion, of course.

**Entry 143:**

"Dude, you need help. Mental and fashion, of course.

**Entry 144:**

"After all this time, you still mock me! Do you not know how much terrifying-ly kinky danger you are? You could be slowly smothered in chocolate sauce and whipped cream and licked up and down. Then, they could dip strawberries onto you and eat them right in front of your eyes! Aren't you terrified?!"

**Entry 145:**

Great. I'm stuck with a freakishly bad-fashion-sensed freak-a-zoid, terrifying-ly kinky fangirls, and whipped cream. The only way this can get worse is if Kaoru-dono suddenly walked in and saw me like this.

**Entry 146:**

Kaoru-dono just walked in. Now who didn't see _that_ coming?!

**Entry 147:**

"Kenshin! How did you get here? I mean... The Terrifying-ly Kinky Fangirl's Club is restricted to fangirls and poofs only! Wait... _You're_ this week's victim? I mean... This week's sponsor?"

"KAORU-DONO! You mean you enjoy attacking bathing bishonen, who are never as hot as me, but almost are, as in Kamui's case? And with large, hard, and long daikon radishes, too? And then tying them up, and bringing them to your little closets and torturing them slowly by stripping them of their shirts and then smothering them with the most terrifying-ly kinky whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries that money can buy, then slowly licking it off?! Why, Kaoru-dono, why?!"

**Entry 148:**

"Kenshin, do you mean to say that you wouldn't enjoy grabbing me as I was bathing, then knock me out painlessly and bring me to a closet to torture me with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries by licking it off?"

**Entry 149:**

She has a point going there.

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

Lil Rose Angel: Are you serious?! I swear to all things terrifying-ly kinky and Sesshoumaru that I sent a review to your story! And it was hella long, too! And witty! And cute! Argh! I'll have to re-think it again. Stupid (no, I love you, Xing! Don't block me from this website!). Oh no! You figured out my scheme to kill you without laying a hand on you! I didn't... Really... Er... Do it? runs away

**Cedahlia:** Oh no! You caught me as I was writing something incredibly stupid and random! But... I also see what you see: Kenshin, snuggled into a corner, writing furiously into a small pink diary. It's quite frightening. (PS: I believe that in the first chapter, the word sexy was used 23 times. I was wondering how many times I could squeeze it in...)

**GreenEyedFloozy:** Darn! Another one in hysterics! Where's the medics?!

**AtakofRandomHarbrshofEvlishDOOM: **(That has got to be one of the longest pen names I've ever seen!) I love that "I'm so Sexy" song, too! Actually, I got that idea for this story from the South Park parody of it—it's hilarious.

**Kiwigirl89:** You know, I've never actually watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? But... Since I have a little time on my hands, I might as well go rent it, huh? I'm glad you enjoyed the insanity that has been threatening to burst for about two years now!

**PhAnToM TOMATO:** Yes! Go Battousai! drools So... Hot. Good solution to the great Sess debates! Hope you still enjoy this story!

**Hyojin:** Jay, before you call me and start cracking up insanely, first remember to breathe. Take deep, deep breaths. Try not to suffocate. Breathe, Jay, breathe!

**X-iridecence:** Yes, you can feel the maturity bursting from Uncle Kenny.

Rachridgeback: Breathe, RRB! BREATHE! Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care!

**NightIntent:** I loved the last chapter, too, but it was because of the Dalmation puppies. I thought that was funky. Teehee. I'm glad you liked the shoes part, though!

**Bunnyfluff:** Another reader! Goodie! Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the other one!

**Midnite Cherry Blossomz:** Thank you! I did have a nice holiday, filled with lots of food! Here's the next chapter! Enjoy!

**Phi-Dono:** Did you like the scar part? I didn't make it as "crazy" as I would have liked to, but I guess you can't have everything in the world, huh? Have fun with this chapter!

**Sanika111891:** Am I calling you crazy? Of course not! Err... Maybe. But probably anyone who reads this is absolutely mad. And yes, SBD! Are you sure we don't know each other? My friends and I have the same term! shares cake It's all good. XD!


	5. Ohm: Inner Sexiness

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 5: Ohm... Inner Sexiness

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or that one 50 First Date's quote... But I do own the crazy guy with bad shoes!

Author's Note:

I'm so, so, so sorry! I had finals this week, and I just barely survived. I had this chapter ready last week, but I forgot to update it on a weekend... Forgive me! Also, sorry for the pathetic chapter below. I think I spent some of myself out when I went all out on that last chapter. Of course, I already have some naughty ideas for the next chapter (which include weight gain and spanking, courtesy of **Kiwigrl89**), so just you wait!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You totally made my day... And... If it's not too much to ask... DO THE SAME AGAIN! One of you (I'm thinking of a number...), will get to read my soon-to-be posted (hopefully, as I'm still waiting for permission from the original series creator) one-shot, **SETA SOUJIRO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**, inspired by **Theresa Green **and **Hikari Hrair-r**!

* * *

**Entry 150:**

Kaoru-dono's tongue is just so talented. Oh yes, Kaoru!

**Entry 151:**

I never knew whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries could be used for such purposes. Ooo!

**Entry 152:**

Oh, stop, Kaoru! My nipples are just so sensitive!

**Entry 153:**

"Uncle Kenny! Wake up! What happened?"

"Yeah, Uncle Kenny! Are you okay? What's wrong with your nipples again?"

**Entry 154:**

Oh, shit no. There is no fucking way that this could be a dream. No. Fucking. Way.

**Entry 155:**

Again, who didn't see this happening?!

**Entry 156:**

"Uncle Kenny, Suzumi and me looked for you everywhere and then we found you in the forest without your shirt! What happened? Is this like the last time when you went out and had fun with chains?"

**Entry 157:**

Yum... Chains are _so_ kinky. As kinky as whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries.

**Entry 158:**

The only thing possibly more kinky other than those are probably whips. Dude, whips are so kinky. And so are handcuffs. If Kaoru-dono was a cop, I'd go out of my way to get arrested, just so she can push me against a wall and handcuff me.

**Entry 159:**

Ooo, pat down!

**Entry 160:**

Warm... Warmer... You're getting hot! Oh yes, sizzling!

**Entry 161:**

Drool...

**Entry 162:**

"UNCLE KENNY!"

**Entry 163:**

Oh, right.

"I'm fine, Ayame-chan, Suzumi-chan. I was just bathing... I guess the fangirls attacked me again."

"_Oh... _Like that _really _happened, Uncle Kenny."

**Entry 164:**

I wasn't lying! I mean, I would never lie to them! I'd only lie to Kaoru-dono if she asked me where I have been for the last few hours. Or was it a dream? Well, the only way to find it...

"Have you two girls seen Kaoru-dono?"

"Yeah... Ayame and me saw her go into her room carrying a can of whipped cream and a daikon radish."

**Entry 165:**

Slap me.

**Entry 166:**

Actually, don't. That hurts like crazy. And it might bruise me.

**Entry 167:**

Walking to Kaoru-dono's room. Don't know why her room is so far away from the house... Jesus, you'd think that since there's so many rooms, she'd live in one that was closer to the courtyard. Thing.

**Entry 168:**

Heard singing as I walked towards Kaoru-dono's room.

**Entry 169:**

"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover. I'm a child, I'm a mother..."

**Entry 170:**

Why does that sound like Sanosuke and Yahiko?

**Entry 171:**

I'll go check—and maybe join them, once I'm done with ravishing Kaoru-dono. Err... Did I say ravish? I meant, talk to.

**Entry 172:**

Oh, what if she attacks me and starts ravishing _me_? Actually, I'm not quite sure I would be mad over that, if you know what I mean.

**Entry 173:**

What I'm saying is, if I were Kaoru-dono, I would ravish me.

**Entry 174:**

I'm so sexy. Ahhh... It feels good to say it.

**Entry 175:**

It's like when Aoshi meditates—he told me—he just thinks, "Ohm... Inner peace... I am so sexy... But Kenshin is so much hotter... And he makes me blush and drool... Ohm..."

**Entry 177:**

Okay, so maybe I added a little to that statement.

**Entry 178:**

But, as we all know, he does have the hots for me. Why else do you think he goes off with that lame excuse, "I want to kill you so I can place upon the Oniwa-Bags&Shoes the title of the prettiest—I mean, strongest."

**Entry 179:**

It's so sad to see what had _so_ much potential when he was young turn into something like... This. It almost makes me stare at myself in a mirror to make myself feel better.

**Entry 180:**

Banged into Kaoru-dono as I paced outside her door, wondering whether I should stare at myself first or talk to her first.

**Entry 181:**

She leered—yes, _leered_—at me.

"Did you get the tofu, Kenshin?"

**Entry 182:**

Wait... That _has_ to be the wrong line. The correct line would be, 'Kenshin, you sexy beast, you... Come back for more whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries?'

**Entry 183:**

"Iie, Kaoru-dono... Sessha apologizes for sessha's horrid memory, de gozaru yo."

**Entry 184:**

"Oh Kami! What's happened to you? You're... You're speaking Japanese that most people can't understand and are usually used incorrectly, anyway! _Dammmmeeeeeeee_!"

"Oh no! Kaoru-dono, you have it too! You just said 'dame'!"

"Ahhh! Nani will we do, Kenshin?"

"Sessha has no fucking clue, Kaoru-dono, de gozaru yo!"

"Kenshin, you said fuck!"

"Why, yes, Kaoru-dono, yes, I did."

"Hey, except for the 'dono', which you use anyway, you sound like you're back to normal!"

"Whew, that gave me a scare!"

"I guess it means that we have to curse so we don't become—gasp—Japanese!"

**Entry 185:**

"You can do fucking better than that, bitch! Louder! Scream it louder!"

"Yes, shithead! FUCKKK YOU!!!!!"

"PLEASE DO, WHOREFACE!"

**Entry 186:**

Sano and Yahiko just ran in.

**Entry 187:**

Oops.

**Entry 188:**

I've been put under house arrest by everyone.

**Entry 189:**

Megumi-dono keeps grinning at me!

**Entry 190:**

"I heard that you got into a little bit of trouble, Ken-san... I can make it all better..."

**Entry 191:**

She is _such_ a slut. And you all know that she's sleeping with Sanosuke. And Aoshi, too.

**Entry 192:**

Though... I wouldn't mind if she _and_ Kaoru-dono pushed me into a closet... Drool... Man, I love a woman who takes control.

**Entry 193:**

I should start putting whips and handcuffs in their rooms, just so they get a few ideas. Sanosuke can join if he brings more chocolate sauce.

**Entry 194:**

OMG!!! FINALLY! It arrived!

**Entry 195:**

It's... So... Beautiful. I want to just rip off... Whatever's on it and ravish it. I want to thrust into that damn... Jesus...

**Entry 196:**

Damn, it's getting so hot in here... I mean, just looking at it makes me want to go, "Yeah, that's right, biatch... Faster! Harder!"

**Entry 197:**

If I could take it everywhere. Man, if you here a lot of noises in the middle of the night, going, "You're... So... Beautiful...", it'll be me.

**Entry 198:**

I'm drooling again. And sweating up a storm, but in a good way.

**Entry 199:**

"KENSHIN! Your mirror finally got here! Oh... You already found it."

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

**Lil Rose Angel:** AHAHAHA! I remember that time! I kept saying the strangest thing right after you typed, 'And Joe said...' That was some good stuff, and a lot of insanity! Well, I have to say, I do (SHHH!) think that Sessie is hotter, than Kenshin, but I can't tell either of them that! But Aoshi is muchos pretty, too. Give me until next week, when finals are over, and I'll write you a huge review, promise! When you burst, I'll be sure to tell Sess to strip on top of your grave... drool

**Cedahlia:** You know, I thought chapter 4 was actually one of my more stupid ones, but a lot of people did say that it was their favorite! I guess the whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries just make us all drool like mad.

**Phi-Dono:** The ideas for this story come from everyday life. I swear it. Like the part about strawberries, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce... That's from my AIM conversation with my friend. Also, many parts of this come from movie parodies, or are strongly influenced by South Park music. All in all, the ideas are my friends and me on chocolate ice cream. XD Here's the (late) new chapter. Enjoy!

**Hyojin:** You can do it! Breathe! Just think of Angelina Joliee and Brad Pitt! Oh wait... That makes us more drool... Yum yum. I'll call you soon, girlies! And oh, lucky you is done with finals!

CrazyObsessedw/RK: Don't die on me, but roll on the floor as much as you want! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

**Pyramidgirl89:** Tell me about it! This is my finals 'stress-ball', if you know what I mean... They're next week and I'm squirming like mad! Thanks for the band recommendation–I'll check them out right away!

**Sanika111891:** Nope, can't say I have ever met you, but I have been to Lima, Ohio (yes, Lima. As in, the bean.)! That horrible Mr. NO-SENSE-OF-FASHION-SLASH-FREAKAZOID! Luckily, I have him tied up in my closet right now... For now, that is. I'll go and read your fanfic as soon as finals are over, which is next week. Thanks for the recommendation! (And yep, I'm a woman! At least, last time I checked I was... JK!)

**Anonymous miss:** Glad I have a new reader who thinks this is funny and scary at the same time! You rock!

**Venus Goddess:** You're the second one to cry reading this story, this chapter! I can't believe I made people cry! Wahh! Teehee. JK, of course. Yes, I have read the Georgia Nicolson diaries, and I love them! Go Dave the Laugh!

**X-iridescence:** Glad you enjoyed it!

**Midnite cherry blossomz:** I was listening to Nelly at the time, so I guess the hot in here stuff was influenced by that! Ayame is so cute! Just wait–I have more planned for her!

**Twilight Amarathine:** Third person to cry! I'm so bad I make people sad! Wahhhh! I'm just kidding, of course, and I'm so glad you like this story!

Leah T: Here you go–more!

Slow Motion Runner: You know, I'm such a hypocrite that I have to say that I usually hate reading OOC stuff, too! However, sometimes you just need a little bit of insanity to make you happy. Thanks for reviewing and stay tuned for new, insane chapters!

**NightIntent:** Who doesn't enjoy whipped cream torture like us, huh?! Now, I wouldn't mind being one of those fangirls with the whipped cream!

**GreenEyedFloozy:** Come with me and we'll both join that rabid fangirl's club! I wanna, too! Ooo... Teenage Koenma... that sounds yummy with a large smothering of whipped cream! I LOVE YOU, TOO! Teehee.

**xZig-zagx:** Glad you liked it! Here's a new (and probably not as good) chapter for you!

**Kiwigrl89:** I always watch the first episodes of American Idol. The rest of them are kind of boring, and not as funny. That spanking idea sounds good... It may show up in future chapters, and you will get credit for it!

**Forest Scion:** Whipped cream is a god. Or kinky goddess. In any case, it keeps me happy. XD.

Kitty-Chan: I'm glad you enjoyed it! I tried making Kenshin absolutely as conceited as he could possibly be. Here's the late chapter!


	6. Bird Beaks and Porn Puffs

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 6: Bird Beaks and Porn Puffs

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but don't rub it in, you big meanies!

Author's Note:

Finals are over! And I did good! W00T! I'm so glad that the semester is over, so I can have a fresh start! Not only that, it means that half the year is over! Only a four and a half more months and this horrible Freshman year will be over! Not only that, it means summer! And that means writing like crazy! Or am I thinking too far ahead...? Teehee.

Thanks to everyone for reviewing, and hope you will enjoy this one!

* * *

**Entry 200:**

W00T! I made it to Entry 200! So kick ass.

**Entry 201:**

How many of you thought that I had bought a sex toy last chapter! Oh, you sickos. All of you belong in that rabid fangirl's club!

**Entry 202:**

"I'm a sinner, I'm a saint! I do not feel ashamed!"

**Entry 203:**

Sing it, Yahiko!

**Entry 204:**

And I thought they called him _Elvis_ the Pelvis... Well, these people have obviously never seen Sanosuke in his white pants!

**Entry 205:**

Now we really know Megumi is a nympho! Man, if she's getting Sano every night... Jesus. I don't think I could do it.

**Entry 206:**

Nah... I probably could.

**Entry 207:**

That poor mattress...

**Entry 208:**

I think I may be bi.

**Entry 209:**

Or, as people like to say, as straight as a rainbow.

**Entry 210:**

Is it my fault that I'm so beautiful!

**Entry 211:**

I loves my new mirror... I could just stare at it all day...

**Entry 212:**

Wait... WAIT! These pants make me look fat, not phat! OMG! Big problemos here! Must... Get... Ricky Martin's pants...

**Entry 213:**

"Kaoru-dono, I need to use the computer, that I do."

**Entry 214:**

Wow, Kaoru looks all flushed and stuff. And she rushed to X out all her windows... Hmm...

**Entry 215:**

"Here you go Kenshin I have to go now see you later!"

**Entry 216:**

I wonder what she was doing... Web History... Click.

**Entry 217:**

OHMYLORDINHEAVEN! Kaoru-dono is so dirty! My god! I didn't even know these sites existed! Holy shit!

**Entry 218:**

Wow... This guy's bird beak is even bigger than mine!

**Entry 219:**

"Hey Sanosuke! Yahiko! Come here and look at these sites for a minute!"

**Entry 220:**

"Wow, Kenshin! That guy has a bigger bird's beak than you!"

**Entry 221:**

Now how the hell would Sanosuke know that?

**Entry 222:**

Oh... That's right... We went to a nude hot spring together. And... Of course... We stared at Megumi and Kaoru, that dirty little kitten, too.

**Entry 223:**

"My god, what the hell is that!"

**Entry 224:**

"Really, that is fucked up."

**Entry 225:**

"No, literally."

**Entry 226:**

"Yahiko-chan!"

**Entry 227:**

"T-Tsubame!"

**Entry 228:**

Somebody's in _trouble_!

**Entry 229:**

"Sanosuke! What are you looking at—Oh my..."

**Entry 230:**

"Wow, that guy's bird beak is even bigger than Ken-san's!"

**Entry 231:**

Now how the hell would _she_ know!

**Entry 232:**

"Wow, she's more limber than you, Megumi!"

**Entry 233:**

I _knew_ she was getting it every night! And she still wants to get into my pants! My god.

**Entry 234:**

"What are you guys doing?"

"K-Kaoru-dono!"

**Entry 235:**

I guess I got off easy... I only can't feel my whole body.

**Entry 236:**

The rest of my days will be filled with saying, 'Kaoru-dono... Could you do that one move on page seven of kinkmaster.sex?'

**Entry 237:**

Oh man, I'm so hilarious. I really can't breathe. I just crack myself up, over and over again.

**Entry 238:**

What was I doing on the computer anyway...? Hm...

**Entry 239:**

What is it? What was I about to do?

**Entry 240:**

Oh, cruel fate... Why must one as beautiful as I suffer so?

**Entry 241:**

OH! I REMEMBER! Ricky Martin's pants... Damn, they're tight! And they'd be tighter on me.

**Entry 242:**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Someone just screamed. I think it's Kaoru-dono...

**Entry 243:**

Kaoru-dono! OH NO!

**Entry 244:**

Oh, it's just Seta Soujiro, the Tenken. The adorably cute guy who has killed possibly hundreds. He's so cute! And... He's a BASTARD!

**Entry 245:**

"Soujiro! What are you doing here, you little bastard?"

**Entry 246:**

He looks confused.

**Entry 247:**

Oh, here comes Sano!

**Entry 248:**

"Hey Sano! Look, it's Soujiro the Bastard!"

"Yeah! How are ya doing, bastard?"

**Entry 249:**

He's started to get a little weepy.

**Entry 250:**

"You're such a bastard, Soujiro! Jeez! And your mom's a whore!"

**Entry 251:**

"Soujiro's a bastard... Soujiro's a bastard!"

**Entry 252:**

He's really started to bawl!

**Entry 253:**

He looks so cute when he cries!

**Entry 254:**

"Well, Soujiro, it's true... _Our_ parents got married before they did it. _Yours_ didn't. So you're a bastard!"

**Entry 255:**

Oh, he's fine now. And still adorably cute.

**Entry 256:**

I feel pretty... Oh so pretty...

**Entry 257:**

Oh, Kenshin's been a bad boy... And bad boys have to get spanked.

**Entry 258:**

SPANK ME! Oh yeah, baby. Shit, I'm getting all pumped.

**Entry 259:**

Only not that kind of pumped, as in giant scary muscles. They are _so_ ugly. They make you look so... buff and shit. I mean, there is not a single guy who looks good buff. Streamlined and nicely shaped, maybe, but never Arnold scary, you know?

**Entry 260:**

There is Shisho, but he's a drunk swordsman so it doesn't matter. And besides, he's the good kind of buff, unlike some of those Oniwa Banshu guys... God, they were ugly.

**Entry 261:**

No, they're beyond ugly. They're just plain fugly. Fucking ugly.

**Entry 262:**

Except for Aoshi. Aoshi was damn hot. He might still be, under that cold and nasty exterior. I mean, his _posterior_ is pretty damn hot, still.

**Entry 263:**

Not that I look or anything...

**Entry 264:**

Guess what! GUESS WHAT!

**Entry 265:**

I'm DAMN SEXY! W00T!

**Entry 266:**

Now, to the tune of Jimmy Cracked Corn...

"Kenshin is hot, and you guys aren't... Kenshin is hot, and you guys aren't..."

**Entry 267:**

Next time I see Kaoru-dono, I'm gonna go, "Kaoru-dono, I'm going to buy some tofu. Do you want anything? Because I think we're out of porn puffs again. Oh, did I say porn puffs? I meant corn puffs. My gosh, your hearing is going out."

**Entry 268:**

AHAHAHA! Now that was funny... I probably won't do it, though... She might hurt me or something. I don't know, maybe force me to eat her cooking and force me to get all fat and stuff.

**Entry 269:**

Super shiver...

**Entry 270:**

She might look okay in... nothing... but her cooking... Icky.

**Entry 271:**

I love it when she's working out... She gets all sweaty and furious... Growl... I love that.

**Entry 272:**

Ooo, opportunity!

**Entry 273:**

"Kaoru-dono, I'm going to get some more tofu and porn puffs. Do you want anything else?"

"_WHAT!_"

"I asked if you wanted anything else other than tofu and ear muffs."

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

**x-iridescence: **I love whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries. XD Glad you do, too!

**GreenEyedFloozy:** We all know that inside Kenshin, there is an extremely shallow side that is just begging to jump out, so I thought, why not let it have a run around the place? What I didn't know was that he'd go all out!

**Pyramidgirl89:** W00T! My midterms are over, too! Or finals, whatever you call them. I'm so glad it's a new semester! I did good, which makes me happy, and now I'm ready to fill that three-week gap of no updates with... UPDATES!

**Phi-Dono:** I thought a few people would like that part where they're cursing like mad, though I wonder if it should still be PG13... Teehee. The nipples part I can't take credit for—it was from 50 First Dates, but the rest of it should be both original and freaky. Here's a new chapter—enjoy!

**Cedahlia:** Should I know about this little Border's incident? It sounds... interesting. XD! I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter, and here's a new one for ya!

**Venus Goddess:** I'm glad I made your week better! Thanks for thinking I'm funny—usually I get people saying I'm insane, and that makes them laugh. Now that you've read Kenshin's diary and know that I write these things, can you imagine how I think?

Jeez: W00T! New reader! Kenshin is so right in the Megumi department, huh?

**Crimson-Eyed-Angel99:** We _all_ know that sometime, somewhere, there's a ditzy Kenshin screaming and fighting to get out. So, in reality, Kenshin has both the Battousai and... Err... This!

**NightIntent:** Here's a new chapter, specially written for you! You _were_ the number I had in my head to send my new one-shot, **Seta Soujiro: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance** **Manual**, but I couldn't find your e-mail. Would you still like a sneak peek? Hope your week gets better, and enjoy this chapter!

**Anonymous miss:** You know, I thought the mirror was just a little too crazy, but I've had several people telling me it's hilarious, so there it is! Hope this new chapter gets you rolling in laughter!

**Sess'sWannabeMate:** Beans, beans, they're good for your heart! The more you eat, the more you fart! I might have that happen, though maybe not with Kenshin. Thanks for the idea, and love your new pen name!

**Raeyn-chan:** I love new readers–I love new readers that love my story more, so you've been loved! I like Nuriko more than Tamahome, too, even though we share the same birthday... But... My most favorite is still Tasuke! And Amiboshi—love him, too. Teehee.

**Aoshi-Sama's weaselgirl:** Ooo, another new reader! Now I'm super happy that you found this story from a friend! Now, if the insanity didn't scare you away, you rock!

**Kiwigrl89:** Thanks for the suggestion again! I haven't used it _all_ the way yet. Just you wait! I have an idea for it that'll make some people laugh for sure! Here's a new chapter–enjoy!

**Ari Sky:** Thank you, thank you! I get these ideas from everywhere, but mostly from daily life. We all know how my brain works. BTW, is Fina's e-mail still the same one? If so, I'll go and ask her what her big news are (what are the big news?).

Slow Motion Runner: You know, that's the exact image I saw Kaoru in! Standing at the doorway, looking like Kenshin has finally gone mad... Kenshin is scaring people, but now at least we know what he's thinking!


	7. Wrong Size Rack

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 7: Wrong Size Rack

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but don't rub it in, you big meanies!

Author's Note:

OMFG. You guys are crazy. I can't believe any of you. But... I LOVE YOU GUYS ALL THE SAME! Yay! WAY over 100 reviews! You guys are so great! And thanks to everyone who reviewed **Seta Soujiro: Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**! Ubercool people, yes you are! You guys make me all smiley inside!

Even though you guys are ubercool and all that jazz, I still couldn't update for the last few weeks. Sorry, sorry, but I had a little 'date' with a piano competition, and let me tell you, I still can't feel my wrists. Here's a quick chapter (and I mean quick–it was done in a day), and hopefully you'll enjoy it! Let's just say it's about education and the love of learning. :cackles:

* * *

**Entry 274:**

Hoo boy... I feel like I just turned ugly for a moment.

**Entry 275:**

Oh, no, just kidding.

**Entry 276:**

Yahiko just came into my room looking all nervous. Jesus cripes, if he asks me to teach him Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu again, I'll kabong him!

**Entry 277:**

"Um... Kenshin... I think I wet my bed."

**Entry 278:**

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! How old are you? Oh man, that's rich."

**Entry 279:**

That was Sano, honest! He came in... From... My window? Wait, I don't have a window in my room... Ooo, now I'm all creeped out. It's like, that kitty boy from the Grudge! Shit, that movie was scary!

**Entry 280:**

Wait... What was it that Yahiko told me again?

**Entry 281:**

"SANOSUKE! This isn't funny!"

**Entry 282:**

Ahh... It all came back to me right then.

**Entry 283:**

Sat Yahiko down and smiled all innocently. "Yahiko, you're entering a period of time where your body and your mentality are changing."

"Meaning that you're going to be able to like, have sex and actually enjoy it."

**Entry 284:**

Shit! It's like, a water balloon filled with red paint got sprayed over my room!

"Sano, this one has asked you about 47 times not to mention bodily functions in front of Yahiko! Look at this mess! I hope you know that blood stains very easily! Now I'll have to stick my hands in icky lye soap and wash these sheets and my shirt and... SANOSUKE!"

"Are you PMSing or something? Because I have some alcohol to make it all better if you need any..."

**Entry 285:**

Deep breath... Deep breath... That one word... From Anger Management... That I can't spell so I'm not going to even try.

**Entry 286:**

Strip tease to anyone who knows how to spell that one 'relax' word from Anger Management!

**Entry 287:**

Yeah, that includes you guys, Rabid Fangirls! W00t!

**Entry 288:**

I am so hot, I am like, burning. I can't take a shower without making the water evaporate!

**Entry 289:**

Sex is so great in the showers. I mean, the water... The steam... The freakin' tiles! Wow, that is HOT...

**Entry 290:**

Can you see Kaoru-dono like that?

I can.

**Entry 291:**

Why? Because I _have_! Haha! You dumbasses.

**Entry 292:**

And if you have... I'll kabong _you_ too! Kaoru-dono's mine to peep on!

**Entry 293:**

Back to what I was _originally_ doing before some gayass retard came into my room from nowhere and made blood spurt!

"Anyway, Yahiko, you're turning into a young man."

"What was I before, a young pig?"

"You sure eat like one!"

**Entry 294:**

DAMN! Kaoru-dono came out of nowhere, too! Now, her popping into my room, that's something I wouldn't mind... Midnight 'snacks' together... Soft, moonlit massages... Tickle-fests that get out of control...

**Entry 295:**

"Kaoru! Get out of my room, you ugly hag!"

"It's not your room! It's Kenshin's room, and besides, it's my house, so I can go wherever I want!"

"Hey, Kaoru, how about letting little ol' me live here too, so you can sneak into my room and 'yell' at me in the middle of the night? We can even yell at each other naked!"

**Entry 296:**

Wow, Megumi kabonged him before I even could!

"Sanosuke, you horny dog!"

**Entry 297:**

Hey, that's my nickname! It's no fair!

**Entry 298:**

"Kenshin, I thought... Get them away!"

**Entry 299:**

I almost forgot Yahiko was still here. Well, he's so tiny that it doesn't even matter.

**Entry 300:**

Damn, 300 entries already? My life is, like, so full of crazy people.

**Entry 301:**

And I don't look a day over 21 from all the stress!

**Entry 302:**

The real secret to eternal youth and beauty is not the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu... It's actually the special Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu face cream developed by Hiko Seijirou the First... Who assembled the ingredients. By the time he was done finding all the different herbs and whatnot, Hiko Seijirou the Second had already killed him. Therefore, he started making the eternal youth cream. Well, really, it's a long story. All that matters is that we look incredibly sexy, except that I'm the sexiest.

**Entry 303:**

It's almost strange how a pretty rurouni like me has red hair. I mean, I am Japanese, right? This is just like the fact that my eyes change colors dramatically, and how my body is just so edible that you can't resist...

**Entry 304:**

Me and Sano are taking Yahiko up to the Akebeko to see if Yahiko has any reaction to Tsubame.

**Entry 305:**

He does.

**Entry 306:**

I have never seen anyone turn red so fast.

**Entry 307:**

Ooo, guess what I found! Kaoru's fashion magazines!

**Entry 308:**

"Are you wearing the right size bra?"

**Entry 309:**

Why, I don't know. Let's see.

**Entry 310: **

"With your bra on, measure around your torso, directly under your chest. If you end up with an even number, add 5. If you have an odd number, add 4."

**Entry 311:**

Now where's that tape measurer...

**Entry 312:**

"Now measure at the most protruding part of your chest."

**Entry 313:**

Wow, I'm getting turned on.

**Entry 314:**

"Subtract the second number by the first. If it's equal, then you have are an AA. If it's +1, then you are an A. If it's +2, you are a B. If it's +3, you are a C. If it's... etc. etc."

**Entry 315:**

What happens when you have a negative number?

**Entry 316:**

I bet even that sumo wrestler from that one stupid episode has a D size rack. Man, he'd better be careful. Move too quickly and he might knock down some buildings. Then we'd have to call him Boobzilla, terror of Tokyo!

**Entry 317:**

Ahahaha, I'm so funny!

**Entry 318:**

"KENSHIN! What are you doing in my room!"

**Entry 319:**

"Um... Nothing? I'm cleaning! That's right, cleaning!" Put on puppy face.

**Entry 320:**

"Oh, okay."

**Entry 321:**

Now, that is my kind of woman. Amazingly hot, with no brains and enough pep talks to kill ya.

**Entry 322:**

Not that I don't love you women who are amazingly beautiful and have incredible minds!

**Entry 323:**

Really, it doesn't matter as long as you're hot.

**Entry 324:**

Has anyone every wondered why Mario gets bigger using a shroom? Do you think there's something Nintendo isn't telling us?

**Entry 325:**

Yeah, like a babe like Peach would go for a fat Italian man like him!

**Entry 326:**

She should go for me instead.

**Entry 327:**

Boys like blondes. Men like brunettes. But what if I like both? What if I like redheads, too? I mean, I sure as hell think _I'm_ sexy!

**Entry 328:**

What Kenshin is afraid of:

1) Turning ugly.

2) Fangirls... And their daikon radishes and chocolate sauce and strawberries and whipped cream... Brrr...

3) Clowns. Brrr.. Brrr... It's... So... Cold...

4) The Muffin Man when he's had too much Gingerbread Men.

5) No sex. Like, ever.

Err... That's it.

**Entry 329:**

And you thought I was fearless! Well, I'll tell you! Real men don't just go for the emotionless crap! We go for beer and bitch fights!

**Entry 330:**

Wait, what? Oh, my pretty head.

**Entry 331:**

How come unscented deodorant smells like stuff? Isn't that strange?

**Entry 332:**

Oh! Forgot to do laundry! This is what I get for procrastinating...

**Entry 333:**

Procrastination and masturbation are the same. They're both fun and games until you realize that you're screwing yourself.

**

* * *

**

**Responses to Reviews:**

**Scythe195:** Glad you loved it! I really enjoy writing stuff like this so people like you will laugh with eyes tearing reading it!

**Sess'sWannabeMate: **Finals are a bitch! Ours were in January, but when you go to an elite school like me, you totally work your ass off just to get an A-! Yeah, I know people who have finals who are in the 7th grade–they were complaining, too. Well, here's a new chapter, you Aoshi killer you!

**GreenEyedFloozy:** Well, perverse is such a loose term. In Kenshin's case, for instance, it's a good thing. Hope your co-written story goes well! I've always wanted to co-write something, but I really have no patience for discussing story plans and I end up writing it by myself. O.o;;;

**Sagitarious Devil:** Yes, in this little story, Kenshin is a little bi, but that means twice the love! (Oops, bad pun, bad pun!) Randomness isn't always great, but I find that when you've been writing so much angst like me, you can't but help put this stuff in!

**Lil Rose Angel:** It's fine, it's fine! I'm okay if you miss a couple reviews or so, and I'm so sorry for not reimbursing your reviews! However, since it's Spring Break for me, I'll make sure I do! Aoshi is hot. Sesshoumaru is hot. Naraku is stupid for trying to eat dead sexy Sess. Erk, I can't think of Sess and Rin together, because I think it's more like father/daughter, and that would be incest, wouldn't it? Well, hope to talk to you soon!

**Uotani the fishie:** Awesome! I get two t's in hot! I feel awesome now!

**Phi-Dono:** Yay! Glad you totally enjoyed this! I love making people laugh, and reviews like yours just make my day... Err... Night... Whatever. It seems to be 12:00 AM my time, so I should go sleep... But... I won't! I have chapter 8 of this wacky story to write!

**Venus goddess:** Kaoru is just so bad, isn't she? Well, we were expecting that since the Rabid Fangirls chapter, weren't we? Hope this late chapter isn't a disappointment!

**Midnite cherry blossomz: **Kaoru is a bad girl, but we know Kenshin loves that. I love Soujiro, and I just can't resist mentioning him as much as possible!

**Pego: **You know, I have never seen a fic where Kenshin is fat! Isn't that weird? But, that may be due to the fact that I'm so picky, I won't read anything unless it's punctuated perfectly. Here's a new chapter, fresh from the quirky (if you want to call it that) mind of Wicked!

Lil lonelyangel: Kenshin's not gay! He's bi! Well, at least in this little story he is. But then again, we've always wondered why he likes the color fushia.

**MZ.AMbER EYES:** No probbies for no reviewing! Having you review right now is good enough for moi! We love egocentric bastards like Kenshin! W00t!

jeez: Sorry for the lateness, and here's more for ya!

**Dyst:** I may have been high when I wrote this, which explains pretty much everything. I will write more stories that are serious, so don't worry! It's fine that you didn't review everything–even one review is better than nothing!

**Kiwigrl89:** Cute ideas! I may use those two suggestions next time. This time I had quite a few things thought out... But... I forgot them all. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed this (late) chapter too!

**Crazianimegirl**:bows: Thank you, thank you! No problem for not reviewing earlier, and I hope you enjoy the future chapters!

Suicide and Murder: You guys are strange... So I like ya! I like flame throwers. And marshmallows. And flame throwers and marshmallows together... Hoo boy, am I strange or what. And yes, porn puffs. A turn on in every bite!

**Ookami-Hitomi:** I'm glad I have a new readers! And she thinks this is funny! OMG! Yay! I wanted an OOC Kenshin too. He's great when he's serious, but sometimes you just need a laugh–and some stupid people writing about it. Here–enjoy!

**Strawberry'd:** I normally don't do randomness, but since there's people like you who love it, I keep writing! Look for more chapters of sexy lil' Kenshin and his misadventures!

**AmnarRanma:** Yes, I can't believe I wrote this whole thing! Tell your friend to read this–I'm sure she'll enjoy it (some) too!

**Animelover222222:** Wow, you enjoyed it that much! I'm glad you enjoyed the whipped cream and chocolate sauce! It's for readers like you that I write this crazy stuff! And yep, you'd definitely fit in with the rest of the rabid fangirls! Well, enjoy the club, I say!


	8. Sano's Hot Dogs

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 8: Sano's Hot Dogs

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but I'm sure someday I'll be able to sneak by security and steal it! I also do not own BISH Co., as that was made up by Gemini and Moonspark, which is found at this website:

Author's Note:

W00t! Glad you guys still like this crazy old thing! I'm in a bit of a spot, as it seems I can't. Get. Inspiration. For my other stuff! Thank you all for the reviews, and, pretty please, if you have time, take a look at **SAITOU: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**, which is the new one of the series, as I might have mentioned in the previous chapter for **Seta Soujiro**.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say, other than that I hope you will all enjoy the chapter!

* * *

**Entry 334:**

Checking the mail... Such a boring chore...

**Entry 335:**

Junk... Junk... Letter to Kaoru-dono... Junk... Fanmail (all for moi, of course!)... Junk... Junk... Sano's Viagra refill letter thingie... Ooo! Letters for me!

**Entry 336:**

Hm... Seems like BISH Co. wants me to do another photo shoot for my new book, Himura Kenshin's 101 Ways to Look Soulful. Ahh... We all know what this means!

**Entry 337:**

Daily facials! 9 full hours of sleep! Hair appointments! Nails done! Latest diet fad! Waxings!

**Entry 338:**

No one likes a hairy man.

**Entry 339:**

Well, maybe those people with hair fetishes do.

**Entry 340:**

Waxing hurts like hell...

**Entry 341:**

Oh... My everything hurts like a mother father... If you know what I mean.

**Entry 342:**

Ugh... Look at my legs! They're so... Pale. Eww... Do we think it's time to tan a little bit?

**Entry 343:**

Now... Where's a good place to tan in the nude in private?

**Entry 344:**

I know! The roof!

**Entry 345:**

Wow. It's really hot up here.

**Entry 346:**

Dear god, I hope I don't burn. If I peel... Well, someone's gonna meet the Battousai.

**Entry 347:**

Wait, what the hell am I worried about? I'm Himura Kenshin, the guy who heals from fatal wounds in less than two days, except for that one time in Kyoto, where I fought that dirty stinky crispy sausages and mad screaming used-to-be-pretty-cute guys... That took a month... For dramatic effects, of course.

**Entry 348:**

Been up here for two hours... Am beginning to feel like a sausage myself...

**Entry 349:**

"Kenshin!"

**Entry 350:**

Damn it, she always wants me. Ah... I can't help being a sexy love god.

**Entry 351:**

Now... Where's my clothes?

**Entry 352:**

Oh shit. I'm not kidding. Where the hell did I put my clothes?

**Entry 353:**

"Kenshin, where are you? I'm back from teaching the class!"

**Entry 354:**

She always looks so hot sweaty, though! It makes me think of _other_ things she could have been doing... With me... Rawr...

**Entry 355:**

"Hey! Kenshin!"

**Entry 356:**

No, no, don't leave! Don't walk away! Don't... No! Bad Kaoru! Naughty Kaoru! Come back...!

**Entry 357:**

This is so unfair.

**Entry 358:**

"Kenshin, what are you doing up on the roof?"

**Entry 359:**

Okay, now, who invited Sano into this scene? As we all know, this is a moment for me to bitch and moan about how I probably missed out on the wildest sex of my life.

**Entry 360:**

"And why are you naked?"

**Entry 361:**

This has suddenly gone very awkward.

**Entry 362:**

"Wow, nice tan."

**Entry 363:**

Now would be the time to run.

**Entry 364:**

Okay, good, I think I lost him in the forest. Hope no one saw me.

**Entry 365:**

Found some clothes. Really ugly, but they'll have to do.

**Entry 366:**

We all know that the only reason I wear magenta is because the author doesn't want me to look too sexy? I have to be flawed, you know.

**Entry 367:**

Honestly, don't we all hate those perfect people? Like my daughter, Shadow. Or was it my past lover, Kimiko? Or... Wait, what am I talking about? Damn, those OCs have really twisted me around.

**Entry 368:**

They've twisted me like a screw.

**Entry 369:**

Haha, screw is such a funny word. It's just so... twisted.

**Entry 370:**

Okay, who doesn't think I'm a complete weirdo?

**Entry 371:**

Yes, yes, I am a sexy weirdo, but that doesn't undo the fact that—

**Entry 372:**

"Yo! Kenshin! You home in there? You blanked out on me."

**Entry 373:**

Whoa... Okay, you know what, if he doesn't stop popping out of nowhere, I'm going to have to get him a collar or something. With bells on it, so I know when he's coming.

**Entry 374:**

In fact, I should do that for the rabid fangirls...

**Entry 375:**

Don't any of you argue that I can sense _ki_ or _chi_ or some other BS like that. We all know it's just for dramatic affect.

**Entry 376:**

"Uh, Kenshin, hey. Kaoru wanted me to find you. There's someone who wants to take you to a photo shoot or something. Now be careful... We know that cameras steal your soul."

**Entry 377:**

Damn, they're here already!

**Entry 378:**

Well, at least I have a nice tan.

**Entry 379:**

"Oh, and Kenshin? That shirt's really ugly."

**Entry 380:**

Okay, now, he's one to talk, isn't he?

**Entry 381:**

Photo shoots are so exhausting... Ugh... Every sexy fiber of my awesome body is sore... I need a massage.

**Entry 382:**

Now, massages given by certain people is just as good as sex.

**Entry 383:**

Well, of course, a massage given by me is even better than sex.

**Entry 384:**

Not that my sex isn't great, too.

**Entry 385:**

Anyway, back to the photo shoot. It was... Strange.

I went into the room and some random woman came up to me, smiling like mad. She looks down to my crotch and smiles even more.

"Congratulations, Mr. Himura. It's huge."

Yes, that's exactly what she said to me.

**Entry 386:**

The rest of it was a lot of random phrases, such as:

"Oh yes, that's beautiful!"

"Turn you head that way, a little more to the left, yes that's sexy!"

"Give me an angsty look!"

"Oh, yes, yes, YES!"

"You don't know it, but I'm slowly stripping you with my eyes. Now, how do you react?"

**Entry 387:**

I've never heard so many "YES"es in my life.

**Entry 388:**

Except for that one time... Haha...

**Entry 389:**

Walking around to find Kaoru-dono... Where is she, anyway?

**Entry 390:**

Okay, just very nearly ran crotch-first into Ayame and Suzume.

**Entry 391:**

That makes me sound like perv, doesn't it?

**Entry 392:**

But I'm _not_ the perv. That's Sano's job.

**Entry 393:**

"Haha, Ken-ni! Mr. Roosterhead has a hot dog in his pants!"

**Entry 394:**

DEAR GOD! WHAT WAS HE DOING!

**Entry 395:**

"He was showing it to Miss Megumi!"

**Entry 396:**

Oh god, oh god, oh god.

**Entry 397:**

"He told her he couldn't get it away and could she please help him get rid of it and she giggled."

**Entry 398:**

Oh god, oh god, oh god.

**Entry 399:**

"Do you have a hot dog in your pants, too? 'Cuz you look funny, Ken-ni."

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

**Phi-Dono:** I'm so glad that you enjoyed the last chapter! This one is a bit late, but I hope the ending made up for it. Here's more for you to laugh over, and thanks for your awesome support!

**X-iridescence:** Yeah, I really like the serious Kenshin fics, but sometimes, you just wish for something hilarious that doesn't work with him. Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the rest!

**Ookami-Hitomi:** I love the angst and suspense, too! I wrote a lot of stuff with that in it, and still am, but all the same, it's good to have some time to laugh over whatever happened to Kenshin.

**Thime:** I was wondering where that quote came from! Most of these things that happen to Kenshin have happened to me, or, at least, the things he says/does. I like Kaoru, too! Sorry for seeming like I was bashing her. Yes, I think Kenshin will suffer an ego blow soon. :cackles: And yes, kabong sounds very kinky. I don't remember how I made it up, though...

**Rachridgeback:** Hm... OMFGWTFLOLBBQ... I think that means Oh My Fucking God What The Fuck Laugh Out Loud Barbaque. Am I right, am I right? LOL! Here's a new chapter, and hope you'll enjoy it!

**Suicidal Baka911:** Glad you've enjoyed it so far! Hope you keep doing so!

**Crazianimegirl:** I'm terrified of clowns... :shudders: They are so freaky! Dates with piano competitions are horrible, but at least I won't have them for a while now! Here's a new chapter for you!

**NightIntent:** I'm glad you liked the last chapter, and hope you feel the same for this one! Randomness is awesome... But only sometimes!

Kai: You know, I believe that's right. I'll have Kenshin strip for you next chapter!

Suicide and Murder: w00t! Cookies! Here's a new chapter, and thanks for the yummies! Oh, wait, I got a Grammy, too... Well, cookies are sweeter!

**AmnarRanma:** No problem for mentioning you! It was so nice of you to review and leave your support! As for Boobzilla, that's a true story with one of my friends. I'll tell it to you some time in the future!

**Cedahlia:** I'm glad you think I'm hilarious! I think I'm just random to a fault... :D Here's a new chapter for you the crack up over!

**Strawberry'd:** I totally understand what you mean. Randomness is good, but only sometimes, so here's a quick fix! I hope you enjoyed this, and thanks for the props!

Jerk: I would hope it was interesting... It's my life!

**GreenEyedFloozy:** LOL! I bet that Kenshin is really flattered by the radish-wielding-chocolate-sauce-and-strawberry-eating fangirls, though he is a bit traumatized!

(Blank): I suck, you swallow. Small world, isn't it?

Battousaigal1: Aoshi at 13 was super hot! I'm so glad you enjoyed laughing over this! Battousai is sexy... Yum!

**Dyst:** I'm so glad you enjoyed the procrastination and masturbation line! It's one of my favorites, if I do say so myself. Actually, I have a lot of favorite lines. The one I can think up right now as the part about the 101 Dalmatians... I was very entertained by that. The thing is, most of the things Kenshin says/does are what I see/hear/do everyday. I am a very strange girl...

**Kiwigrl89:** Yes, I finally updated! I'm so happy that you are showing other people, and that they love it, too! Here's a new chapter–enjoy!

**Lil Rose Angel:** It was so nice to talk to you again! I hope it was fun in France–I have never gone and have always wanted to! Of course people are going to stare at you when you start laughing uncontrollably in a public café! I'm glad you enjoyed the last entry–it was from something one of my friends at school said. Really, loads of things from this story are my life. Thanks for the nice long review, and yes, yes, yes I will re-review for you!

**Midnite cherry blossomz:** I'm so glad you liked the Boobzilla part! Actually, that's something I call one of my friends, but it's a long story. Maybe I'll tell you guys that in the future!

**Tera McCaslin:** No, Kenshin's not gay... As he said in one of my entries, he is bi as a... Er... Bi thing. LOL. I'm glad you liked this story, no matter how dumb and random it is!


	9. Bring on the Blouse Bunnies

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 9: Bring On the Blouse Bunnies!

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but that's okay because I own Sesshoumaru. Oh... Damn, wait, that's not mine either. Life's not fair! I also don't own some song lyrics included in this.

Author's Note:

Whoa! You guys are like, mad reviewers. And I love you for it. You guys make me write more! And... Guess what? It's summer! W00t! That means lots of writing for me and lots of reading for you all! I still have summer classes, but what are they to me when I can write forever in you? Yay! Happy days.

Just as a note, does anyone think that this story is getting old? Should I stop it soon? Should I just stop it now? Is it still as hilarious as you guys make me think it is? Send me a holla! And no one complain about length of the chapter! It was extra long because of the summer.

* * *

**Entry 400:**

I see you looking at me... Like I'm some kind of freak!

**Entry 401:**

I must be a freak of nature because I am just way to sexy. There is no way a common guy could be as spicy as me.

**Entry 402:**

Haha, if we were all foods, I would have a little chili next to me, like in those Chinese restaurant menus, because I'm extra spicy!

**Entry 403:**

Oh shit... There's Saitou at the dojo door again. What's he want this time?

**Entry 404:**

If he's here to ask me out one more time, I'm going to tell Tokio.

**Entry 405:**

"Tokio-dono, your husband has been trying to get me into his pants... Which, I hope you know, went out of fashion last revolution. Duh."

**Entry 406:**

OH SHIT.

**Entry 407:**

"Is the Battousai here? I need to speak with him. There has been numerous reports of a naked man running around. He as a very nice tan and quite fast."

**Entry 408:**

"Ahahah... Good morning, Saitou!"

**Entry 409:**

"Kenshin, Saitou says that there's a streaker running around loose here! You should help him find this guy! What if... What if Ayame and Suzume say him?"

**Entry 410:**

Thank you, Kaoru-dono. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.

**Entry 411:**

We all know Ayame and Suzume already saw a naked guy, and he wasn't streaking. Hot dog my ass.

**Entry 412:**

Fine ass, if I may add.

**Entry 413:**

"Kenshin? Kenshin! Pay attention! The state of innocence for children may be ruined because of this freak!"

**Entry 414:**

"Well..." Insert manly chuckle here. "Maybe that guy just lost his clothes. Because that happens when you're tanning naked on roofs and there's strange breezes."

**Entry 415:**

"Battousai, I'd like to speak to you in private."

**Entry 416:**

You ever get that really bad sinking feeling? Like... When your boobs start to sag? Or like, when you're eating a cake that you thought was fat free, then it turns out to be empty-calory rich? Or when you suddenly realize that you've spilled the beans and now you're in trouble... And you're gonna get a spanking?

Yes, I have that spanking feeling. Err... Sinking feeling.

**Entry 417:**

"Saitou, what would you like to talk to me about? Is there a new ex-assassin after all of us?"

Insert crap glare here. "Battousai, don't act dumb. You know who has been streaking."

"I-it wasn't my fault!"

"You should have told that _ahou_ that he would have been seen!"

"Sano?"

"Yes, who else?"

**Entry 418:**

The spanking feeling has passed.

**Entry 419:**

"If you knew he was going to run around town naked, showing his tiny rooster to the world... Why the hell didn't you tell me so I could stare with you?"

**Entry 420:**

The spanking feeling has returned.

**Entry 421:**

I am talking to a full fledged gay.

**Entry 422:**

We 'both-lovers' don't like them very much.

**Entry 423:**

"Err... Saitou, don't you have a wife and several kids to go back home to?"

**Entry 424:**

"That's not an excuse for not telling me there's a naked guy running around town, showing off his buddy to the world! You know I'm not in the Shinsengumi anymore, so forget looking for Okita around here!"

**Entry 425:**

Hmm... He has many names for the word penis. But then again, his is so incompetent in that anatomic department, it doesn't deserve to even be called that for him. A nub, maybe.

**Entry 426:**

Unlike moi. Muahahaha!

**Entry 427:**

What else can I call them? There's... Cock. How's-your-father. Weiner. Manhood. Apples and Bananas. Anaconda. Johnson. Wang. (_1_) Err... Why can't I think of any more?

**Entry 428:**

I know so many more for 'breast'. Like... Boobs. Hoo-has. Talent. Johnny Yellows. Tits. Bosom. Bazooka. Coconuts. Headlights. Jugs. Rack. Boobies. Double Lotus Peaks. Big McDuffs. Chi Chi's. Blouse Bunnies. Udder. Boulders. Top Bullocks. Puppies. Dolly Partons. Chubbies. The list just goes on and on...

**Entry 429:**

It's not my fault I'm more straight than bi. I just like titties too much.

**Entry 430:**

This reminds me too much of a conversation I was having with Sanosuke a while ago when we were surfing the sites Kaoru-dono kindly told us about. We were talking about the different kinds of lemons. There's dirty lemons, romantic lemons, and scientific lemons.

**Entry 431:**

Dirty Lemons: They will use the word cock a lot. And sweat. Lots of sweat and panting. Possible screaming and bathroom stalls. Yum... Bathroom stalls... Possibly bondage. Yum... Bondage...

Romantic Lemons: They will use the word manhood and flower. Or manliness. There's lots of candles and roses. Or waterfalls. And there's a lot about taking it slow or something. And the couple usually climaxes together.

Scientific Lemons: They will use the word scrotum. (Snort) And the word areola. (Giggle) And labia. (Chuckle) And possibly phallus.

**Entry 432:**

Did you know that a phallus is also a family of tree fungus? Imagine that.

**Entry 433:**

You could be a biologist and go to some guy, "Do you have a good specimen of the Phallus Genus?"

And they'd go, "Yes. It's huge and edible. Care to see?"

**Entry 434:**

Ewww... I forgot Saitou was still here.

**Entry 435:**

"Hey, Battousai, did you know you have over 200 bones in your body?"

**Entry 436:**

Yes, asshole. And every single one of them are sexier than yours.

**Entry 437:**

"You wanna have one more in there?"

**Entry 438:**

Pervert! I hate it when people take silence for a 'yes'!

Though... That is a pretty good pickup line. Wonder how Kaoru-dono would react to that. Snicker.

**Entry 439:**

She'd probably want more than one extra bone in her... Naughty girl. Seeing what a Rabid Fangirl she is.

**Entry 440:**

The only one who deserves to have a lap dance and an extra bone in her (other than Kaoru-dono of course) at the moment is Kai, because she spelled that damn word from Anger Management right.

**Entry 441:**

You know you're famous when you find things you say in people's bios.

**Entry 442:**

Macho, macho man!

**Entry 443:**

Actually, that's not really my type of song... Mine is more like... I'm Too Sexy and I'm So Pretty... And possibly that Rape Me song. Well, it depends on who's doing the raping.

**Entry 444:**

You know, I'm feeling an ominous miasma at the moment...

**Entry 445:**

OMFG! I gained half a pound! Those bastards!

**Entry 446:**

I wonder what else OMFG could stand for... Like... Old Men Fuck Good...

**Entry 447:**

Whoa, I just choked there.

**Entry 448:**

I suddenly had an image of a naked Jiya in my head. He was dancing to that Banana song...

**Entry 449:**

It was censored, you nasty minded fangirls!

**Entry 450:**

This shit is BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

**Entry 451:**

Okay... Even though I am beautiful and gorgeous and delicious and etcetera, I still don't get that. Why is shit like bananas? What's wrong with bananas anyway? They tend to remind me of me, thank you. Haha. Only I'm slightly bigger. And not yellow.

**Entry 452:**

I tend to stay away from yellow things.

**Entry 453:**

Ahaha, but Sanosuke doesn't! We were taking a quiz for what condom flavor we were, because, as we all know, Sano gets turned on by that kind of thing. (This is probably why he went to Megumi, now that I think about it... Eww! I've created a monster!) Anyway, he was a banana flavored condom.

**Entry 454:**

I was chocolate, thank you very much.

**Entry 455:**

Dark, rich, and creamy. Kinda like me.

**Entry 456:**

"Kenshin, what do you think is a better color for me? Blue or yellow? I need to get a new kimono made since you bled on the other one."

**Entry 457:**

How about nude?

**Entry 458:**

Oh, naughty Kenshin. You are as naughty as Aoshi when he gets riled up about honor and meditating!

**Entry 459:**

Not that I would have personal experience with Aoshi acting naughty!

**Entry 460:**

It's not personal if it's caught on tape. Rules are rules.

**Entry 461:**

"Kenshin! Blue or yellow?"

"Kaoru-dono, this unworthy one thinks you look beautiful in every color."

**Entry 462:**

She giggled, if you can believe. I'm just too good. But, to stay looking that good, I can't bang her yet.

**Entry 463:**

I really would bang her until she was unconscious. I have the stamina of a whore. Probably because I am a whore. A man whore.

**Entry 464:**

Can't touch this! You knew from the moment you saw me that I was a gigolo.

**Entry 465:**

I love saying that... Gigolo. Sounds like jello but doesn't shake as much.

**Entry 466:**

Whoa! Holy shit! A daikon radish almost hit me from nowhere!

**Entry 467:**

Looks like I won't have to go out to by dinner! Good luck for the sex god.

**Entry 468:**

Hmm... There's something carved onto a it. I can almost make it out...

**Entry 469:**

"hey thurr ken-sama/battousai-baby. if u want kaoru (st00pid bitch) bak then u'd cum & get her & make sure ur ready 4 lots of fun when u get here becuz we will. bring ur biggest sword (wink). u kno who dis iz & where 2 find us."

**Entry 470:**

What atrocious spelling! And no one calls me Battousai-baby except for a few choice people who will not be revealed. They are the elite in my heart of hearts.

**Entry 471:**

Gasp! The daikon radish! The Ken-sama statement! The horrible spelling! It... It... It's the Teenage Rabid Fangirls from hell! I'm doomed! I'll never get Kaoru back from them!

**Entry 472:**

Ah, who cares about Kaoru anyway? No way in hell am I going to go back up that damn mountain and get tied to a chair and tortured with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries. No one is that important.

**Entry 473:**

"Uh... Kenshin, you have to. You signed the infamous 'Hero' contract. That means you have to rescue your beloved whether you want to or not."

**Entry 474:**

Damn narrator's voice! Damn you to hell!

**Entry 475:**

Sigh... But the voice is right. I will have to go up the mountain to rescue Kaoru. I will face the lick torture and the cheesy pickup lines. I will endure the giggles. It is because I signed that damned contract from hell.

**Entry 476:**

Well, I least I won't have to find anything to wear. They did tell me to come naked. Let's look on the bright side! Maybe I'll get a 'reward' afterwards!

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

**Strawberry'd:** A hot dog, dear. I am a bit trippy when I write this, so sometimes things will be twisted. Like the hot dog. We're lucky it wasn't a sausage, aren't we? There isn't a semblance of plot... Because there is no plot. But there probably is a semblance, now that you remind me of it. XP

**pyramidgirl89:** Yep! It was right before my finals weekend, too, so I knew that everyone needed a final push! Now that summer is here, they'll be plenty of updates!

**Phi-Dono:** Thank you, thank you! I try to keep this story as fresh as possible, while still making things as zany as can be. Have as many mental pictures as you want–I have them flashing all the time, which is probably why I drool so much. XD

**x-iridescence:** As you can see, most of my stories are heavily dramatic and angst-filled, so this is my outlet. Sometimes you just need to let loose and be random! Glad you like my random mind!

**en route:** Sorry about the short chapter last chapter! This one was extra long for ya! Enjoy!

**Tera McCaslin:** Kenshin was in a tight spot with the sunbathing, but at least he got a pleasant breeze 'round his privates! Or, should be say, not so privates anymore!

**Lil Rose Angel:** Honey, you are so naive you make me smile a little. When I say hot dog, I'm using "Jen Slang" for penis. And when I say "he couldn't get it away", it means Sano had an erection. And when he asked Megumi to get rid of it, it meant he wanted sex. I have just made you a little less innocent, and that makes me feel good. Now I'm smiling a lot more. XP

**Bethy-kun:** I'm so glad Kenshin still cracks you up! I've tried making him as original as can be. As for Sano's hot dog... Well, here's a little reason why: I was munching on a hot dog. Which is sick and wrong, but it serves its purpose. o.O

**GreenEyedFloozy:** Sano's big hot dog, I might add. I'm SO glad you still enjoy this crazy story!

**Cedahlia:** I am a very wrong person, and on so many different levels. How do I come up with this stuff? If you must know, most of the things that happen to Kenshin have either happened to me, or has happened to someone I know. Sunbathing on a roof? My friend was sunbathing in her bikini and fell asleep. What she didn't know was that we undid the ties. (–smiles–)

**kawaii meeh:** I'm so glad you think this is hilarious! Here's a new chapter for ya!

**marstanuki:** Kenshin does have a huge ego! It's just as big as his... Ahem. (–smiles innocently–) Here's a new chappy! Enjoy!

**Kiwigrl89:** The best day of the month? Well, here's a second best day for you! You know, I do have an idea for Misao and Aoshi coming into the fic... but it's still in the planning stages. Wait, now I'm lying. I have no planning stages. This is just a spur-of-the-moment type, and it just happens to be random enough to make people laugh!

**L1Ldumie TK:** You are just as random as me, m'dear. That story with bird shit? That could be a part of a story like this. Most of the things in this story has happened/been said/been done by either me or a friend. It just shows you how fun reality is!

Inu-Lena: I'm glad you liked the too sexy for my shirt part! Enjoy the rest of the story and thanks for the review!

**Anonyma:** OMGWTF is usually the general reaction to new readers, and sorry for the short chapters! I have a hard time writing long chapters... Probably because I can't concentrate (–cough–ADD) for long periods of time. Yes, the pics Ken-chan did are for a magazine, for publicity on his book! You know, having Kaoru see those pictures is actually a good idea... (–plots–)

Rachridgeback: You know, I got the inspiration for the hotdog part because... I was eating a hot dog! It's so wrong in so many levels, but it works out fine, doesn't it? I'm so glad that you still adore this story! It makes my heart (–cough– What heart?) swell with joy!

**Setine:** My life must be genius, because this whole thing is inspired by it! Thank my nutty friends for spurring me to do stupid things!

**venus goddess: **I'd like to think I was psychic enough to pop out with chapters to cheer people up! Last time, I updated because of finals–everyone needs a little push for that! This time, it's a celebration for summer and more free time!

**Shenyu:** Sano was showing Megumi hotdogs, but the children saw anyway. (–grin–) Sano is a very naughty boy!

**midnite cherry blossomz:** Well, the Boobzilla story goes like this: Once upon a time, in 8th grade, there was a nutsy girl (moi!) and her lovely friends. They were in PE, getting weighed because PE teachers are sadists and like to snicker about how fat you've gotten. They were all breathing out sighs of relief when their last friend came out of the weighing room (yes, they called it 'the weighing room'). She was close to tears. Why? Because she weighed 130 pounds. Now, she has a very large... rack, so the nutsy was trying to make her feel better. Thus, she said, "Don't worry! 30 of those pounds are your boobs! You're like... Boobzilla! Watch out for the 7th graders! You don't want to knock them out! ACK! Building corner! Don't turn too fast!" And that's the Boobzilla story. It was a lot funnier at the moment. (–grins–)

**NightIntent:** That last part was a dire wish to make everyone remember how crazy I was, and am. Hopefully, this chapter was just as hilarious!

**Skitzoflame:** Glad you love the random-osity! Here's a new chapter–enjoy the crazy flava!

**celestial-angel40:** It's supposed to be scary, dear. That's how I get people to read it. (–laughs maniacally–)

Nameless: You are a very naughty girl. Or boy. If you're a boy, I want to meet you. (–wink–) If you're a girl, I so agree!

Chixxy: Ah! That song. It's called "I'm a Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I remember singing it on the bus when I was in 5th grade... O.o Oh dear. So that's how I turned out this way!

**AmnarRanma:** You know what I just realized? Amnar is Ranma spelled backwards. O.o Ignore me. I'm retarded (as you can see –points to her story–) like that. Well, at least it's still hilarious for ya!

Hello: I do have a plan to bring more Aoshi into the story, and there was more Saitou for you. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not an Aoshi/Misao fan. (–cringes–) I'm a Soujiro/Misao fan! However, I might still have some clashing... (–grins evilly–) Don't worry, when that happens... Ugly people will get hurt and strong men will fall. Fangirls like us, however, will be relatively unscathed. XD


	10. Nipple Twiddling and Whatnot

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 10: Nipple Twiddling and Whatnot

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but fortunately, I have a master plan to run away with the (–cough–MALE–cough–) characters, where they _**will**_ join my harem of lurve. Also, any song lyrics (such as I'm Turning Japanese, by The Vapors) included are not mine.

Author's Note:

What started off as an outlet for all my crazy emotions has turned out to be a grand adventure down the road of bi-ism. Fear not, boys! I am still as straight... as straight as... um... Oh, whatever. I'm still straight, okay! Anyway, this story has been a lot of fun, but **I'm thinking of ending it around the 15-18th chapter or so**, for personal reasons as well as mental. XD Don't worry, though! I'll think up new stories, or I might do a follow-up for another character!

WOW! I never knew so many people read this! Over 150 hits for chapter 9 in _three _days (and yet, so few of you review!) Thanks, as always, to the people who reviewed and added me to your favorite's list. This is, by favorite's list standards, my most popular story! For those of you who _don't_ review, please do so! Show your support for loving Kenshin when he's a bit ballsy. (–grin–)

* * *

**Entry 477:**

Before I go, I need a few necessities. Luckily, I already have a tan. Now I must ready my mind with heavy meditation.

**Entry 478:**

Watching Snow White with Ayame and Suzume to get used to the woodsy feel.

**Entry 479:**

My, I'm glad Kaoru-dono doesn't act like that princess. At least the prince has got it right... If the babe is hot, bang her. Who cares if she's a servant or a princess, right?

**Entry 480:**

The only people who mean it when they say, "Looks aren't everything," are the ugly people. Looks _are_ everything, and don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise! When beautiful people (like me, who is definitely hotter-than-thou) say it, they're trying to make you feel better because you aren't as beautiful.

**Entry 481:**

Snow White confuses me with its songs. Why is it 'high' ho? Why isn't it low ho? Or does it not fit because it rhymes?

**Entry 482:**

It must suck being a dwarf back then. I mean, they're just the perfect size for looking up skirts without looking suspicious... But fashion, it seems, isn't what it is now. Honestly, as if seeing someone's ankle could give you a nose bleed.

**Entry 483:**

As I mentioned later, the _only_ reason I wear magenta is because I have to be flawed. Imagine me in a black t-shirt and a pair of nice Hollister jeans. Too sexy, see? I would make everyone look bad. (Not that I already don't...)

**Entry 484:**

There might have also been the problem with Meiji-ians not having jeans back then. Or decent shirts.

**Entry 485:**

Okay, I must set off before I start singing about ho's, high _and _low.

**Entry 486:**

Walking up some damn mountain... Why can't fangirl headquarters ever be in... I dunno, somewhere nearby? Why it is always up a _mountain_?

**Entry 487:**

Enjoying the nice scenery... It is calm here, though a bit stupid. Oh, what an adorable little bunny! It's so cute, and furry, and it's ears are just like Thumper's... What a sweet little—

**Entry 488:**

The bunny is no more. Nothing tries to bite me gets away unharmed. Little fucker... And I mean that literally.

**Entry 489:**

Unless it's Kaoru-dono. She can bite me all she wants. Rawr, Kaoru-dono. Show off your wild, wildside.

**Entry 490:**

That's the reason I'm off to rescue her! I'm going to brave the perils! I'll crawl through swamps of eager lingerie models for her! I would... I dare say I would allow myself to be covered in caramel sauce and thrown into a room with Saitou for her. But that's iffy. It depends if he's brushed his teeth or not.

**Entry 491:**

No one–I repeat, no one–wants to be stuck in a room with Saitou when he hasn't brushed his teeth. Why do you think Okita was always coughing up blood? Prolonged exposure to Saitou breath, that's why.

**Entry 492:**

I think I turning Japanese, turning Japanese... I really think so! No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin and you wonder why it's so dark!

**Entry 493:**

Whoever sung that stupid song is an idiot, because they have obviously never met me.

**Entry 494:**

Uh-oh... I'm beginning to see signs of the Teenage Rabid Fangirl's lair...

**Entry 495:**

Hey! That's Aoshi's trench coat (ugly thing). There's Sesshoumaru's armor (uglier thing, though it looks mighty fine on him)... And there's Soujiro's pretty blue gi (good taste and fine looks can go hand in hand)... Oh, that is most definitely Kamui's sword (you know what they say about sword lengths). There's even Toya's collar (master-slave relationships, baby!)! And OMG. If it isn't Sasuke's shorts (a little shorter and it's like you're not wearing anything at all). Oh dear. And I am the greatest prize of them all. (No duh.)

**Entry 496:**

What I truly fear is that the two clans have merged. If the DIRTY Teenage Fangirls have joined the regular fangirls, then we truly have a dilemma. Those DTFGs are really vicious. Last time they caught me... Shudder.

**Entry 497:**

Just when you think you've seen handcuffs used in all the ways possible, _they_ think up a new torture method. It'd terrifying.

**Entry 498:**

Uh-oh... Am beginning to hear and sense different bishies screaming out in terror.

**Entry 499:**

"NO! Even Itachi would never do that! Get your hands off me!"

"Don't take that off! No! As the Lord of the Western Lands, I command you to stop!"

"The weak die, and the strong get smothered in chocolate sauce! Shishio-sama never said anything about that!"

**Entry 500:**

It's for Kaoru-dono. It's for Kaoru-dono. It's for Kaoru-dono.

**Entry 501:**

"BATTOU-BABY!"

**Entry 502:**

That's it. It's over. Screw you guys, I'm going home. Ugh... Come on, mantra! It's for Kaoru-dono. She will reward me with lots of banging. It's for Kaoru-dono!

**Entry 503:**

"Oh! You're not naked like we told you to be!" Evil Fangirl Smirk©. "We'll have to punish you for that later."

**Entry 504:**

Oh, she'll repay me with banging, alright. Because I'm _never_ getting up with these chicks again. They. Are. Freaks.

**Entry 505:**

"Come on now! We'll have to undress you now. Do you like marshmallow fluff?"

**Entry 506:**

"Where's Kaoru-dono?"

**Entry 507:**

Exasperated sigh. "You'll get to see her once we're done playing with you. We almost always keep our promises." Dreamy sigh. "But you're still as beautiful as ever. We might want to just keep you."

**Entry 508:**

Oh hell no.

**Entry 509:**

I am walking the gauntlet of cheesy pickup lines to get to the fangirls' 'leaders'.

**Entry 510:**

"Hey, Ken-san, how about I show you _my_ sword style?"

"Do your legs hurt? 'Cause you've been running around in my dreams all night!"

"I'm the female Santa Clause! Wanna sit on my lap and tell me what you want the most? I'll do my best to give it to you because I know _you're_ a good boy!"

"Do you have a band-aid? Because I hurt my knees falling for you!"

"Kenshin! Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your _gorgeous_ eyes!"

"I have Skittles in my mouth! Wanna come here and taste the rainbow?"

"Kenshin! Kenshin! It's time to take your daily dose of vitamin me! The latest health reports say so!"

"Battou-baby! Come kiss me or I'll have to lie to my diary again!"

"All of me can be yours for a low, low price!"

"Ken-san! You must wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them!"

**Entry 511:**

Mind you, some of these are quite good.

**Entry 512:**

Okay, I'm officially creeped out. Some girl reached out, grabbed my (fione) ass and asked me if the seat was taken.

**Entry 513:**

Uh, no shit, Sherlock. It's _my_ ass and the only person I could possibly share it with is Kaoru-dono, because she is the heroine of the story. And... Whether she likes it or not, I have to be strong and brave and beautiful and whatever.

**Entry 514:**

"Hey there you sexy swordsman you!"

"We're _so_ totally glad that you passed through the gauntlet!"

"You're, like, so good!"

**Entry 515:**

The leaders of the clan. They are the ones that lead them all because they will do anything to taste a bishie. The one sitting on the right? She climbed onboard a ship to get to Kurama for a severe licking, and then showed him the new definition of the word 'rape'. The one on the left? She's the creator of the notorious Daikon Boomerang Ryu (all styles that matter end with a 'Ryu') style of radish throwing, which totally modernized the old way (sneaking up to the victim and hitting him on the noggin, while now you can just toss it easily and still hit your mark). And the one in the center? Well, you ever heard of a book called How To Make Your Erotic Bishonen Fantasies Come True? She wrote that, and she wrote it all from personal experience.

**Entry 516:**

God, I'm so screwed.

**Entry 517:**

Haha! Screwed! That's true, because they might bang me after their done with the lick torture and the strip tease and the belly dance and last but not least, the jello balancing.

**Entry 518:**

Kenshin, you're not just sexy. You're a fucking genius. W00t!

**Entry 519:**

Haha! Fucking!

**Entry 520:**

Some_body_ stop me! I'm absou-fucking-lutely awesome.

**Entry 521:**

Especially since I am so hot. Touch me! It'll burn!

**Entry 522:**

That might be the porniest thing I have ever said.

**Entry 523:**

Can you think with your warped little mind yet?

**Entry 524:**

Good.

**Entry 525:**

"Kenshin?"

**Entry 526:**

"Kaoru-dono!"

**Entry 527:**

Ah... The extra practice I get from running in almost every episode to be heroic. Goddamn, stupid needy contract. I especially hate requirement number thirty-seven: heroic entrance at just the exact moment of disaster.

**Entry 528:**

Do you know how stupid a hottie feels as he stands outside a shouji door, sneaking glances at what's happening inside to jump in at just the right moment the (usually ugly) villain tries to kill your beloved/friends/fans/random-osities.

**Entry 529:**

One time I had to stall by talking about the best conditioner to a guard while waiting for the dramatic climax?

**Entry 530:**

Mind you, I was only early because that idiotic manicure place down the street didn't have the polish I wanted to use, and I didn't bring any with me.

**Entry 531:**

They know very well that silver clashes with my skin tone and still they insist!

**Entry 532:**

Pa-Sha! Morons!

**Entry 533:**

"Kenshin! What are you doing here! And why are you so late!"

**Entry 534:**

Oops. I forgot about her.

**Entry 535:**

And that made absolutely no sense. If I'm late, shouldn't she know what was going on? Ugh. Some people sure are idjits.

**Entry 536:**

Well, not Kaoru-dono.

**Entry 537:**

Her beauty just makes her a little... slow... sometimes.

**Entry 538:**

Unlike me. Haha. I'm so pretty.

**Entry 539:**

I'm so pretty, oh so pretty!

**Entry 540:**

Am I rambling again? Oops.

**Entry 541:**

God, I hate these missions!

**Entry 542:**

God, I hate these contracts!

**Entry 543:**

God, I hate how my nails aren't matching with my shirt!

**Entry 544:**

Argh!

**Entry 545:**

Though I suppose this isn't as the time when I was fighting Shishio and he kept saying 'strange' stuff to that whore who sits next to him.

**Entry 546:**

Not the transvestite, who cannot be called a true bi-ist. The one who wore that horrible green lipstick that clashed with her hair. Jesus! I mean, green _is_ the spring color this year but that doesn't mean you have to get green makeup!

**Entry 547:**

Ahem. Back to what I was saying. Shishio kept saying really horrible things to Yumi while slashing me to ribbons.

**Entry 548:**

You know, stuff like, "Twiddle my nipples like fine-tuning the FM radio while I torture this little piggy!"

**Entry 549:**

I am _not_ a little piggy!

**Entry 550:**

And twiddling nipples? I don't know whether to be interested or grossed out.

**Entry 551:**

It's kinda fascinating if you imagine yourself tuning the radio...

**Entry 552:**

Uck! That made me shudder a little because I had an image of Shishio doing that to me.

**Entry 553:**

I guess it's slightly better when the Rabid Teenage Fangirls do it. But only slightly.

**Entry 554:**

"KENSHIN!"

**Entry 555:**

Argh, goddamnit! Can't these damsels in distress just rescue themselves? Honestly! It's not as if I'm not stressed out enough, with the nipple twiddling and whatnot.

**Entry 556:**

Hehe... Nipple twiddling... It sounds funny...

* * *

Ending Note: For this story, I usually don't leave notes, but this time it's an exception, because I need to spread the word! Guess what, everyone? **The** **2003-2004 Rurouni Kenshin Reader's Choice Awards** (RKRC) **is now accepting nominations!** Go nominate, and when the time comes, vote! It's organized by Bunny and the Kenshin-gumi but the true power is with you readers! Be sure to read the rules first! The website is here (remove spaces): http/ rkrc . meijitales . com /

Enjoy!

* * *

**Responses to Reviews:**

**Setine:** Ah! I'm so flattered that you could use a twisted little story like this for one of your own! I only wish you had told me earlier so I could laugh along! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and keep up your great job!

Fireblade K'Chona: Wow, I'm so amazed by the people who still this enjoy this fic! I was personally starting to get worried that it was starting to get old! Aoshi does get riled up about meditating. (–Shh!–) I was actually thinking of writing Aoshi's mind as a follow up to this. But it's still in the planning stages, of course...

**namida no yoru hotaru:** Yes, I'm continuing... For a while, at least! Yes, in this little story, Kenshin is as bi as a... as a... As a bi thingie! It's the sexiness, though... It makes the hotties a little nutso! The Bazooka Bubblegum song? Oh dear... Or maybe the Kit-Kat song? Or... The Oscar Meyer Bologna song? Now there's an idea, actually... Of course you can recommend this to your cousins! Just pray that they aren't _too_ traumatized afterwards! Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!

**Pyramidgirl89:** Kenshin is very, very kinky inside. He just hides it well! Here's a new chapter–enjoy!

**Strawberry'd:** A hot dog, a sausage, a weiner, a Polish Dog... Well, one thing is for sure... We aren't ever going to be able to go to another backyard BBQ... At least I haven't said anything about coconuts or oranges or bananas. I mean, if I had, you'd never be able to go grocery shopping again!

**L1Ldumie TK:** Saitou is the dirty, most perverted, twisted creature you will meet in the RuroKen universe. He just hides it well with his suspiciously happy smile. Teehee...

**En Route:** Though I'm sure if boobies could be called cute, thanks for the compliment anyway!

**Cedahlia:** Lots of Aoshi is to be expected as (–shhh!–) I'm planning on writing a follow up with Aoshi once this story is over. But it's still in the planning stages, so don't get _too_ excited. I'm so glad you fall off chairs for this story! I'm trying to keep it as... 'spectacular' as possible! Enjoy!

Chixxy: I just graduated 9th grade, too! W00t! Hooray for us Gonna-Be Sophomores! As you can see, my maturity level stopped growing very early... Teehee. Kenshin is totally awesome! More fangirls are sure to come, and I'm a Battousai FanGirl, too!

**Tera McCaslin:** More funny stuff, soon to come! Though this story might end 5-8 chapters, it will forever be known as the story that made people choke and fall off chairs!

**Kawaii Meeh:** Well, that's mighty nice of you to say! It's an honor to be called the funniest and most hilarious author by you! I will continue this for the time being, and don't worry, there will be more to come. Kenshin _is_ bi, and he is extremely naughty and has a huge ego. In fact, his ego is as big as his hot dog. (–choke–) Someone, stop me! Thank you for adding me to your favorite's list! It's an honor to be hailed as such! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too!

**Sueb262:** Glad you enjoyed it! Here's a new chapter–hope you like this one, too!

**xZig-zagz:** Here's the chapter that you could hardly wait for! Enjoy!

**Nekotsuki:** You know, at first, I wrote this random response to your review. Then, later, when I was making sure I got everyone done, I just stared at your penname. I was like, wow... It seems to familiar and yet I have no idea why. And now I do! You're _Nekotsuki_! You're the brilliant author who wrote the award nominated Tanabata Jasmine! OMFG! (And I don't mean it the way Kenshin meant it!) I feel so flattered that you read and actually laughed at this story! It's incredibly shocking! Wow! Thank you so much!

**Anonyma:** OMG! You're being mentioned again! W00t! (–choke–) Hot dog my ass... Now, that's funny! Yes, Kenny knows many, many words for... nubs, but many more for... coconuts. You know having Kenshin save Kaoru naked actually sounds like a good idea... Well, in a chapter, he probably will be. Those vicious, _vicious _Rabid Fangirls! Thanks for your hilarious review!

MizzKyuubi(Offline): I'm glad this is still up to your expectations! Hope this one is still as hilarious as you say!

**NightIntent:** The hero contract is something I suspect is true, seeing how many times Kenshin has to save everyone in the whole darn series. In the next chapter, we get to see what the Fangirls do to Kenshin. I suspect he will be undressed and licked...

**Phi-Dono:** You know, I keep forgetting to thank you for reviewing Ficlet Medley! You are possibly one of the most faithful reviewers ever, and they are always long and funny! About the flavored condoms... I used to talk about those a lot with my friends, too! I did result in being banana... And chocolate, the second time. (–choke–) I will keep writing, because, with reviewers like you, how could I deny you guys of the pleasures of... Kenshin-flesh? W00t for summer vacation and quick updates!

Anime# 1Fan: Wow, you heard about this fic from someone else? I'm glad that you too have glowing reviews for it! It's completely random and I would hope it was funny! Kenshin is totally obsessed with himself! He is a naughty, naughty little boy, whom we all love to glomp! (–waves around a Kenshin plushie that says "I've Been Glomped" on it–)

**GreenEyedFloozy:** Don't worry, Saitou scares me, too. Especially when he talks about bones and hot dogs. (–shudders–) There's nothing wrong with weighing 130! My friend was just very, very 'talented', I guess.

Mika-chan: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review!

**Kiwigrl89:** Why do I sense just a little bit of sarcasm in that? Ah, well. Here's another chapter to outdo myself with, because now it'll be 3 updates within 3 months! W00t! Go me! LOL! The pickup line from last chapter was _not_ made up by me. My friend just it in biology, and it made me laugh, so here it is in the story! More about Misao and Aoshi are coming in the next chapter!

**Lexi-Teniro:** Glad you think so! The last chapter was a little late, but I'm glad the funniness made up for it! Here's another for you to die over!

**Lil Rose Angel:** Of course OMFG doesn't mean what I said it meant! That would just be wrong! I hope you had fun in Maine, and don't let your cousins read this! I only want to be responsible for making you (and a few dozen others) corrupt and immoral! And don't worry, naive little Katherine... You will always be wise to me. (–snicker–) You know, you're right... The whole darn chapter is about sex! I'll have to bring in more about food or something. And of course don't own Sesshoumaru's name... Just his body and face. (–nods–) Thank god for loopholes. You do have to learn about sex sometimes. Just preferably not by me, because then you'd know more than most of your teachers. (–chokes–)

Nameless: Yes, we will never be able to type OMFG again without giggling nervously to ourselves. I do prefer bananas over hotdogs... They're bigger, for one thing. (–chokes–) Please ignore the corrupt and immoral authoress.

**Shitzoflame:** I'm so glad you don't think this is getting old! Here's a new chapter, and I hope that you enjoyed it!

Chibi-Assassin: Long live Wicked-sama so she can corrupt yet another generation of children? I think... SO! Yay! Thanks for the compliment!

**Mizurio:** I'm glad I have another reader who doesn't think this is old! I'm a twisted individual, too. At least, if twisted could be used with me. I'm more like... corkscrew... Which I love. Yum... Orange juice and vodka! Aoshi probably would be vanilla flavored. (–chokes–) I don't even want to think about Saitou. (–cough– Probably cinnamon... Or maybe hot dog... –cough–)

**midnite cherry blossomz:** Yes, I told her that. I was a strange, immorally incorrect child, and I still am. It _was_ funny... At least it was for me! Here's another chapter–enjoy!

**Oro4:** I'm glad you loved it! Here's a new chapter–enjoy!

**Ahou Incarnate:** You are accepted for the Teenage Rabid Fangirls! We are always looking for daikon-throwers and "totaly b4d sp3113rs!"! Don't worry, strawberries and whipped cream is provided for members such as yourselves. Remember to come early on Terrible Spelling Tuesdays and Freakish Licking Fridays for caramel sauce specials! Glad you liked this story, and I loved your application! It was funny!

**Shadowguard:** Excellent evil laugh you have working here! We will never know how many girls he banged, because we've never talked about Kenshin getting drunk (we will soon, though)... Teehee. Saitou's pickup lines are just a little icky, but I'm sure funny anyway. Here's an update–enjoy!

**Yukishiro Tomoe-chan:** Haha, I made someone get a nose bleed! Kenshin does think that... Though he doesn't tell you, Tomoe-chan! He keeps the nastiness to himself and he has refined his techniques since you had fun with him when he was young. (–chokes–) Enjoy!

Kenshingumi #6: Um, forgive me for raising my eyebrow, but I only haven't updated for a month, and it usually takes me a little more than a month to update this little fic. Don't worry, I'll write something in the summary if it's on hiatus (I'm a very organized person when it comes to matters such as these). Besides, this story has at least 5 chapters to go! Thanks anyway for your review, and thank you for the review you gave for SOUJIRO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual! I do have a lot of stories, huh...?


	11. A Daily Dosage of Gropage

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 11: A Daily Dosage of Gropage

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but I do own some strawberries, a can of whipped cream, and some gooey chocolate sauce! Come to me, Battou-baby! W00t!

Author's Note:

**OMG! THANK YOU, EVERYONE! I can't believe this story has been nominated for Best Humor in the 2003-2004 Rurouni Kenshin Reader's Choice Awards! You guys are amazing, and I thank you all dearly! You guys rock and deserve naked Kenshins tied to sticks! JUST AS A REMINDER... VOTING HAS BEGUN!**

(Okay, back to the original author's note I had written out.) Honestly, what have I done to the youth of tomorrow? I corrupt so many people! (–palm face–) Ah well! Thanks to everyone for all the reviews and everything! You guys make me mucho, mucho happy! I am a disgrace to the Spanish speaking population, aren't I? Ah, well...

You know, I am shocked by the number of reviews this story has received! You guys are so wonderful to me! It's amazing how many people enjoy Kenshin when he's random!

Thanks again to everyone!

* * *

**Entry 557:**

Isn't it funny how I _always_ save the day? I'd like to see just _one _time when I fail...

**Entry 558:**

It's fun to be the victim sometimes. You should have seen the rise in Soujiro's popularity once I kicked his cute little bum.

**Entry 559:**

Though, interestingly enough, Shishio got less popular after I kicked his bandaged booty...

**Entry 560:**

But that's because he's a nipple twiddler, though.

**Entry 561:**

"Oh, Battou-Baby, you sexy piece of flesh!"

**Entry 562:**

Ugh, I hate it when people describe me as a piece of flesh. Even if they were right about the sexy part. But flesh? _Flesh_!

**Entry 563:**

It makes me feel like steak! Or some baby back ribs! Or a lamb shank! Or a honey-roasted ham! Or a Thanksgiving turkey! Or Hannibal Lector! Or... Or...

**Entry 564:**

For more information on our finest cuts, visit your local meat market!

**Entry 565:**

"Blah, blah, blah rescue your so-called girl blah, blah, blah tortured by blah, blah, blah, flavored icees blah, blah, blah the British are coming blah, blah, blah tomatoes."

**Entry 566:**

I suppose this is a good time to tell everyone that I have the attention span of... of... of Popeye! Which would be very, very—Hey look, a butterfly! It's so pretty, with it's big wings and 'lil antennae.

**Entry 567:**

The butterfly is no more. It would not let me touch it. So it dies.

**Entry 568:**

Anyway, about the rescuing.

**Entry 569:**

First, the "Are you okay, insert name here?"

**Entry 570:**

"Are you unhurt, Kaoru-dono?"

**Entry 571:**

"I-I'm fine, but these girls are freaks! I just saw them put jello on Shiboshi's balls!"

**Entry 572:**

Shiboshi's balls?

**Entry 573:**

"What kind of balls, Kaoru-dono?"

**Entry 574:**

"The ones he uses as weapons! He tosses them around and hits people with them, and... And... What kind of balls were _you_ thinking of? Oh, ohmygawsh! Kenshin, get your mind out of the gutter!"

**Entry 575:**

"Though, that's quite stupid because there are no gutters in the Meiji Era, so there's no way you can pull your brain out of it."

**Entry 576:**

See what I mean? Being that hot makes her dumb!

**Entry 577:**

I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout!

**Entry 578:**

Dude, that's so weird. I am not a teapot!

**Entry 579:**

Though I am very hot. Muahahaha...

**Entry 580:**

Just not stout.

**Entry 581:**

You'll notice how I'm not saying anything about being short.

**Entry 582:**

Mock my height and I swear, I'll make you a shish kabob!

**Entry 583:**

I would spear you with my amazingly shiny reversed blade sword and take giant cherry tomatoes and pearl onions and make you the finest grilling experience anyone's ever had.

**Entry 584:**

Grill experience... Rawr!

**Entry 585:**

That just makes me remember about the time when I got stuck in a house with two hot chicks who thought I killed their father.

**Entry 586:**

"Where's our father!"

"Where did you hide his body?"

"Why do you hide your body?"

"Yeah, why _do_ you hide your delicious body under that hideous outfit?"

"Why won't you let us undress you?"

"Why won't you let us smother you in this red bean sauce?"

**Entry 587:**

And so on and so forth.

**Entry 588:**

Don't give me that look! God, you know someone as sexy as me can't just walk around Japan for a good ten years without getting laid.

**Entry 589:**

NGH! Uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh! That's the way I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!

**Entry 590:**

I mean, if I didn't get hot steamy sex every other night, I might have become some giant pussy or something.

**Entry 591:**

Which I am not, thank you very much!

**Entry 592:**

You will find no gaping vaginas on my smooth, silky, tanned skin, across my broad-but-not-too-broad shoulders, and my perfect pecks... My muscular stomach tight and warm to touch... My eyes smoldering in that inner fire I bend over to take your lips into a hungry kiss...

**Entry 593:**

Raise your hand if you're drooling!

**Entry 594:**

I know I am!

**Entry 595:**

"I swear to God, Kenshin, I'm going to throw away all your skin-softeners if you don't quit blanking out and save me from these lusty fools!"

**Entry 596:**

Don't you dare, you... you... you bad person! Those skin softeners are all that are keeping me as I am!

**Entry 597:**

"Please, leaders of the Rabid Fangirls, please let Kaoru-dono go. I do not want to have to hurt you."

**Entry 598:**

I really hope that she doesn't think that pout is attractive. She looks like she just bit off part of her top lip and ugh... what's that between her teeth?

**Entry 599:**

It looks like a piece of... cloth... Which is kinda freaky.

**Entry 600:**

"You wouldn't hit a girl, would you, Baby Got Battou's Ass?"

**Entry 601:**

"He wouldn't, but I would! You let me go right this instant!"

**Entry 602:**

M'roar! Kaoru-dono can be so fierce... And hot-tempered... Damn, she's just pressing all my buttons!

**Entry 603:**

It's too bad I already got my daily dosage of gropage.

**Entry 604:**

One must never over-do it or risk being called a pervert.

**Entry 605:**

Sessa is merely a man searching for redemption with a reverse blade sword as long as his wang.

**Entry 606:**

No, you did not just read that.

**Entry 607:**

Ahem! My skin softeners are in danger so I mustn't dally any longer!

**Entry 608:**

"If it's me you want to lick and screw around with, let it be so. But please, release Kaoru-dono. She should not have been involved in this at all."

**Entry 609:**

"Involved in this? Oh, you adorable 'oro'-ing thing! You weren't the one who got involved with us... She was the one who got you involved!"

**Entry 610:**

GASP! OH! The drama! The horror! The betrayal! This is like... Days of Our Lives all over again!

**Entry 611:**

Let me remind you that I only watch soap operas when I'm washing laundry. Sometimes you did extra suds.

**Entry 612:**

"No! Kenshin! I would never... I didn't mean to! I didn't know it would end up this way!"

**Entry 613:**

The Evil Fangirl Cackle of Maniacal Glee. "Tell him, Kaoru-_dono_, how you knocked him out with that daikon radish and dragged him to our hideout. Tell him about the hot chocolate sauce! Tell him about... Tell him about how you said he tasted like assorted fruit flavors!"

**Entry 614:**

I must have used my "Love's Fruit Garden" body lotion the night before.

**Entry 615:**

"Kenshin! Please forgive me! I wouldn't knowingly violate you like that!"

**Entry 616:**

I'm offended!

**Entry 617:**

Of course you would be too if you were voted "Meji Era's Hottest Battou Jutsu Master" and still your chick won't knowingly violate you!

**Entry 618:**

"It's all right, Kaoru-dono. I can be very tempting. Like your underwear is when I'm washing it."

**Entry 619:**

"WHAT!"

**Entry 620:**

"I said it's all right, Kaoru-dono!"

**Entry 621:**

Wow, that fangirl looks pissed.

**Entry 622:**

"NO! You're supposed to be mad at her, My Sex God of Rurouni Kenshin!"

**Entry 623:**

Poor, stupid, lust-struck girl. "I cannot be mad at the one who has cared for me. Besides, wouldn't you take me home if you could just so you could violate me with various food stuffs?"

**Entry 624:**

"Good point."

**Entry 625:**

I always do. And you know what else has a really sharp point? (–wink, wink, nudge, nudge–)

**Entry 626:**

A freshly sharpened pencil!

**Entry 627:**

What were you thinking, you little lust demon you?

**Entry 628:**

I thought as much.

**Entry 629:**

And you thought "very fine" only comes out of a bottle!

**Entry 630:**

Uh-oh.. Some other fangirl chick just came out, walked around me in a circle with her eyes riveted on my groin, and whistled.

**Entry 631:**

"I like every single muscle in your body... Especially mine."

**Entry 632:**

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Too much information! WAY too much information! Bad images flashing through head! Bad images involving Saitou and a bottle too many of wine cooler!

**Entry 633:**

She... She just licked her finger, jabbed in onto my shirt, and then her's, and said to me with a lecherous grin, "Let's get you and me out of these wet clothes."

**Entry 634:**

OMG! I know who she is! I... I...

**Entry 635:**

Oh, the suppressed memories! The hideously suppressed memories!

**Entry 636:**

S-she... She's the one that... No, no, I can't! I _won't_ let these memories come back! They're too painful! Too raw! Too damnably funny!

**Entry 637:**

Sigh... Fine, I'll tell ya. Did you ever know that a broom has many uses other than to clean floors? I didn't. That is, until I met her.

**Entry 638:**

I'm going to leave that broom comment to your imaginations.

**Entry 639:**

I'm sure it's been scarred enough by all the things I've said. And done, for that matter.

**Entry 640:**

The time Sanosuke asked me if Viagra works sure comes to mind.

**Entry 641:**

"A drug that raises a men's sexual performance. Well, that sure sounds good! Megumi's been complaining, and since she's a doctor... Can you get it over the counter, Kenshin?"

**Entry 642:**

You know he was just waiting for me to say something dirty. So I did.

**Entry 643:**

"I'm sure you could... if you took two!"

* * *

Ending Note: Well, ending note again, this time to both to thank the two people (or perhaps more, if I'm lucky!) who nominated and seconded this story, and also to remind you all that **voting has started in the RKRC**! (Http/ rkrc . meijitales . com –no spaces) Please vote on that and I'll be sure to remind you all again next time I update, which I promise will not be in two months! (I apologize for the super long delay, but inspiration just didn't come and you can't force dirty humor!)

**Responses to Reviews:**

**sueb262:** Yep, I'll do just about everything to Kenshin. And the things I won't... Um... I just haven't thought up yet. But I will! ... I think.

Chixxy: I am a sophomore now! And Battousai fangirls kick up! I know, kenshin is a great bi, and Fluffy is an awesome bishonen. The nickname for him, by the way, was invented many, many year ago. I mean, like, before we were twelve!

**Strawberry'd:** The sexual innuendo must go on! And the fruits, and the caramel sauces, and oh, I agreed with you when you say the imaginations of ours are both strengths and weaknesses.

**GreenEyedFloozy:** I'm so glad you still approve! As for the "huge talent" thing, I forgot that it was also in Moulin Rouge! In reality, I got it from a term in Sailor Moon Fandom, in which one episode, the girls were comparing chest sizes. In the English translation, the dubbers made it so they were talking about "talent", and not their chests.

Kawaii meeh: Yay! Funny stuff galores in this story, and if Kenshin does ever use a pickup line on Kaoru... I want to be there to watch and write about! I'll try my best in keeping this hilarious!

**Rose Quinn:** I could advertise it in hospitals and save lives with the humor, but they could also choke on it. I've done it before when watching/reading comedy. It would be a recovery/murder!

**Tastyfacewash:** I love your penname! It's hilarious!

**L1dumie TK:** Pickup lines are funniest when they're corny, but dirty humor does make me like a person a lot more! I hope to continue on with this so I can continue making you guys laugh!

Kimberlyann: Kenshin is kinky, but that sexual tension has to go somewhere, and it might as well be here!

**Hikari-Aoi:** I already have a good finish thought up, and I know! Wouldn't it suck if I wrote a horrible ending to such a funky story? I promise I won't, though! Fangirl signups are right here! We've already got a few chickies vying for the job!

Starwolf4: Thank you, thank you! (–bows–)

**Ahou Incarnate:** You're in, you're in! Shishio twiddling Kenshin's nipples is quite scary... But Saitou? That might kill him! But then again, with Kaoru there (because she's the heroine) would make him all better!

**X-iridescence:** I'm glad you liked those pickup lines! Those have been collected by me for quite a while!

**-little oro-:** Glad you like it!

**Kiwigrl89:** Yes, I updated! And sorry for such a late one, too... School has been a killer with all the tests. I'm glad your friend adored this! The more kinky fangirls with us, the better. Divided, we often run out of whipped cream, but united, we smother many bishonen in chocolate sauce! Hahaha! Fear the power!

**Setine:** No problem, no problem! I'm just glad your readers enjoy it as much as I do! Continue and be happy!

**The Mystic Firefly:** Idjit is a beautiful word that sums up most people in the US government. God bless the crazy people.

**Phi-Dono:** (–bows humbly–) I'm so sorry for such a late update! But I'm been insanely uninspired and insanely busy, so it hasn't been so good in the warped humor section. In any case, I'm so happy that one of my favorite reviewers still enjoys this, and thinks it's original! My life is a flying drama, and it's easily made into this for all of you to enjoy! This will end soon, but that will be a while off. In any case, go ahead and tell your friends to read it! The more the merrier! And then we also have more caramel sauce to share!

**Yukishiro Tomoe-chan:** Kenny-kins! What a lovely nickname for Battou-baby! Would you mind if I added that in somewhere? Credit will go to you, of course!

Shenyu: I do have an imaginative imagination! It's perverted to the max!

**AmnarJoey:** Haha, thanks for the review! Loved your comments, as always!

**Oro4:** Yep, another funky chapter!

**Mizurio:** Cheesy pickup lines rock, and I'm glad you found them funny! I love them and forever looking for new ones. Sorry for traumatizing you about the radio dials, but now people will actually look at them and go... "Shudder!"

**NightIntent:** More evil fangirls! I love them too, especially how they act. Yeah, only 15-18 chapters left... Sadly... But all good things must come to an end! Sorry for the late update, by the way! Forgive me, for school is a pain in the fanny!

**Legendary-yoshi:** Wicked's my name, disturbing is my game! Wow, how lame! Ick, no more rhyming!

**Unit 667 Ra:** Pure Comedy Gold? Well, thank you very much! That's incredibly flattering! Yep, Soujiro is adorably cute, but Kenshin is sexy like a... Smexican. Wow, vol. 16 lets you see him shirtless? I... Must... Buy... And... Photocopy... And... Violate... Copyright... Laws... But... Must... See... Him... Shirt... Less... (–drools–)

Fireblade K'Chona: If I have the time and inspiration, I'll be sure to write about Aoshi's mind!

**Anonyma:** I'm sorry about the poor little bunny, and the other small animals harmed in the production of this... thing! Sou-chan must learn more in life! The strong do get smothered in chocolate sauce–I mean, look at Kenshin! Shishio... Well, he's just a freak accident, as we all know. Actually, your review gave me some more strange, twisted ideas... I'll think about where to insert them!

Ridia-san: Updated at last!

**Cedahlia:** This stuff comes from my social life, and the many times I've made myself a fool in it. As for replying to the reviewers, it's my pleasure! A lot of the reviews are funny and inspire me even more!

**Lexi Teniro:** Eek! I've killed Lexi Teniro again! Sorry for the late update, but I hope you still found it hilarious!

Another Baka: What's going on in ths story? I have no idea, actually...

**Lord Fluffy Worshiper:** Yay! A new reader that enjoyed the story, regardless of how incredibly insane it is! Go ahead and share it with everyone–insanity is good!

**Apathetic Empath2:** Thank you, thank you! (–bows–)

**Midnite Cherry Blossomz:** Twisted, yes. Insane, yes. Funny... Well, depends if you're twisted and insane! Thanks for the review!

**Flame-Kunoichi:** There's plenty of insane Kenshin stories, but I find that in the end, having a bishonen get kidnaped by Rabid Fangirls still get the reviewers cracking up!

**Angerasu85:** Kenshin and Sesshoumaru are both sexy! And I support Kagura/Sesshy love, too, because they are just the prettiest couple! Glad you think I've brought parody to another level–I try my best!

**Lil Rose Angel:** (–sniffs–) My little Katherine... All grown up and semi corrupt. Well, keep reading and we'll make sure you're JUST LIKE ME. Well, not. I think if there were two of us, the bishonen would be all naked or... naked, I guess. Sasuke fans are we! Loving him is... Sweet! Gawd, I can't rhyme. (Oh yes, the bishonen that said the thing with the strong get smothered in chocolate sauce is Soujiro. His quote is, "The weak die, and the strong survive.", so I parodied it.) Talk to you soon!

**Green Animelover:** Thank you!

**Maiyuko-chan:** Yay! A fan of Divine Commiseration, as well as Tales of a Sexy Swordsman! You know, amazingly enough, both fics were nominated for the RK Reader's Choice Awards! I find it insane! Almost as insane as this story! Almost as insane as the number of people who like this story! What is the world coming to!


	12. Bacon Flavored Things

**Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman**

Chapter 12: Bacon Flavored Things

_Disclaimer_: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or the random song lyrics, quotes, etc., but as I'm a Kinkmeister in my own right, it's OK.

Author's Note:

YOU GUYS KICK TUSHES! I can't believe so many of you are taking place in the **RKRC**, and I gotta say, I love it! I cannot thank you all enough for nominating this story, which started out as an outlet for all the insane energy I have. (I also thank all of whom nominated **Divine Commiseration** as Best Darkfic–I honestly can say I don't deserve it!)

To placate you all, and to apologize endlessly for the long wait, I promise to... write longer chapters while still updating as fast as I can? Well, sure, if that's what y'all want.

As always, thanks to everyone for all their support! I could kiss you all, but I don't swing left as often as Kenshin.

* * *

**Entry 644:**

Oh. My. God.

**Entry 645:**

Did you know they make condoms in bacon flavor? Now there's something that would turn Homer Simpson gay!

**Entry 646:**

I can see it now... Homer drooling, "Mmm... Bacon..."

**Entry 647:**

And licking it like a bacon lollipop...

**Entry 648:**

AHHH! IT BURNS! BAD IMAGE! BAD IMAGE! EWWWW! OMG, GET IT AWAY!

**Entry 649:**

It burns like nail polish remover in the eye! It burns like Shishio's touch against my smooth, smooth bottom! It burns like... like... Like me!

**Entry 650:**

Oh Kenshin you are so perfect! So absolutely beautiful in every way!

**Entry 651:**

Just think beautiful thoughts, and the ugly ones will go away!

**Entry 652:**

Kenshin in a bathtub. Kenshin in nothing but boxers. Kenshin shaking his long, fiery hair out of his eyes. Kenshin smirking to whatever fugly's in his way. Kenshin's beautiful purple eyes turning that piercing shade of amber. Kenshin... Kenshin...

**Entry 653:**

Kenshin loves Kenshin.

**Entry 654:**

Kenshin also loves dark chocolate.

**Entry 655:**

Kenshin wonders why he's talking in third person. Like... a monkey.

**Entry 656:**

Monkeys are sooo cute sometimes! Like, uber-cute. Like, cute like me when I'm oroing.

**Entry 657:**

Good god I ramble when I'm supposed to be rescuing people!

**Entry 658:**

That's what supposedly happened when I tried to rescue Tomoe, god rest her white-plum-flavored soul.

**Entry 659:**

But how can there be such a thing as white plum? And if there was, what would be the scent difference between it and say, a red plum? Or a purple plum? Or a green plum?

**Entry 660:**

Honestly, women and their perfumes. It's like hiding in the girl's locker rooms and watching the freshman come tramping in and spraying their 'Love Spell' and 'Pure Seduction'. Really, it's enough to make you choke.

**Entry 661:**

I did it again, didn't I? Rambling. Jeez. That's probably my one imperfection. That, and the fact that my butt is sooo... big.

**Entry 662:**

"Kaoru-dono! I apologize but I fear I have gone mind rambling! Can you tell me what's going on?"

**Entry 663:**

"Oh Kenshin, you silly rabbit, you. You were going to rescue me so you could take me home, undress me slowly, give me a sensual massage, and allow me to show you what making love with a kendo master was really like!"

**Entry 664:**

Ay, Taco Bell Dog!

**Entry 665:**

I always knew there was a devil in Miss Kaoru!

**Entry 666:**

Devil? OMG! 666! The devil's number! This is just like the time when they sent me to the bowels of hell to retrieve that dead girl, but then I accidently looked back to make sure she was hot–because everyone knows ugly chicks shouldn't be rescued for the good of the world–and she disappeared into a wisp of smoke?

**Entry 667:**

Wait, maybe that wasn't me... Ah well.

**Entry 668:**

Acts of heroism start blending into each other as time goes on, you know. So it's not my fault. Especially with how sexy and heroic I am. Rawr.

**Entry 669:**

You know what they say about the number 69... Snicker.

**Entry 670:**

That's right! When you flip the numbers around, they still say 69! Wicked, yo!

**Entry 671:**

"... Kenshin...?"

**Entry 672:**

Oh dude, I'm _fur_-eaking hot!

**Entry 673:**

Eek! I think one of my nails have chipped!

**Entry 674:**

"Kenshin?"

**Entry 675:**

Oh, just kidding. It was just the light hitting it weird.

**Entry 676:**

"Kenshin!"

**Entry 677:**

What color should I choose to paint my nails next time I get them done? I was thinking a pale purple, to set off my eyes, but then maybe it would be too pale? And if it's too dark then it's way _too_ easy to see if they chip or not, and that could be a problem... Hm...

**Entry 678:**

"KENSHIN!"

**Entry 679:**

Well, now we know how loud she's going to be in bed!

**Entry 680:**

"Yes, Kaoru-dono?"

"Will you stop blanking out on me and just rescue me already!"

"Oh. Yeah. About that..."

**Entry 681:**

She made me do it. Rescue her, that is. Oh, this had better be worth it.

**Entry 682:**

I am never, ever dissing toothpaste companies ever again. Those three tubes where the only thing that got the artificial strawberry, cotton candy, mocha, watermelon, etc. tastes out of my mouth. I don't know how I ever did it, seeing how many fangirls I had to kiss.

**Entry 683:**

I'm not going to even _mention_ how many girls stuck their hands down into my pants.

**Entry 684:**

Are they even _allowed_ to do that?

**Entry 685:**

I should talk to Kaoru-dono about this.

**Entry 686:**

She might get jealous and hurt me, though. And I don't like getting hit. It hurts. And bruises my delicate skin.

**Entry 687:**

On the other hand... Snicker.

**Entry 688:**

Oh, Kenshin, you bad boy, you! 'Other hand'... You are sooo dirty!

**Entry 689:**

Ahem! As I was saying! She might take it as a hint.

**Entry 690:**

Oh, this is just like the time when I was at that job interview, and that guy asked me where I saw myself in 10 years, and I just _had_ to blurt out, "Doing your wife," even though in my head I was telling myself not to.

**Entry 691:**

I suppose it's better than saying "Doing your mom". Your mom jokes are _so_ old.

**Entry 692:**

Yo momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, all the whales start singin', "WE ARE FA-MI-LY!"

**Entry 693:**

You have to admit that was good.

**Entry 694:**

Kenshin's good.

**Entry 695:**

Other than in the bed, of course. And he's very talented in that area, also.

**Entry 696:**

You know you just can't beat Kenshin when it comes to speed bed-making. Hehehehe... Kiss my pillows!

**Entry 697:**

... My... Legs... They're... Strange...

**Entry 698:**

I mean, they're all... You know... Strange.

**Entry 699:**

I hope it wasn't the fangirl's excessive groping that made them all strange.

**Entry 700:**

AHH! What if they mutilated my wanker! They did... stroke it so... sexually, and with such... er... enthusiasm. And... Er... Everything went hard—DARK, that's what I meant! Dark!

**Entry 701:**

This is rated PG13, or, as the kind people of Fiction Rating say, T... For _Teen_... And as we all know, _teens _don't know a single thing about sex. Or kinkiness. No, no, _teens_ only know about doing their homework and going to church.

**Entry 702:**

OK, I double-checked. It's fine. My buddy, my friend, my little mouse (though it's everything but "little"), is safe and sound and in my pants. At least, from what _I_ can see.

**Entry 703:**

I should really get Kaoru to check it. There might be some things I'm missing. Lumps, for example.

**Entry 704:**

She'll have to check it orally, of course. Or maybe...

**Entry 705:**

I always liked those hand-on check-ups. I liked them very hands on and very through.

**Entry 706:**

And I always liked playing doctor. Even as a child.

**Entry 707:**

Let me tell you, I got further at age 5 with the Takamura's doctor than I did with Tomoe on our first night alone together.

**Entry 708:**

Which reminds me of that one pickup line I used on her...

**Entry 709:**

"Hey, Tomoe, remember when you and Akira were young and played doctor? Now that he's dead, and we're all grown up, how about giving up that family practice so we can play gynecologist?"

**Entry 710:**

It didn't work out well, obviously, because I didn't get laid that night.

**Entry 711:**

I did later when I used this: "I thought very fine only came in a bottle."

**Entry 712:**

Hey, it's better than saying something like: "You're so beautiful, I want to be reincarnated as your child so I can be breastfed by you until I'm 30." That would be quiet... Er... Strange.

**Entry 713:**

Why 30? Because after that, they won't be milk-jugs anymore. They'll be more like... Er... Something nasty, I'm sure.

**Entry 714:**

Along with my swords (snigger), my lips are registered weapons.

**Entry 715:**

But trust me, the length of the sword I show more often is by no means compensation for the length of the sword I'd like to show Kaoru-dono.

**Entry 716:**

Comparison is more like it. Ohh yeeeaah!

* * *

Ending Note: Just as one last reminder, don't forget to vote in the **Rurouni Kenshin Reader's Choice Awards**! Voting ends on the 31st, and I don't want anyone to miss out on the opportunity to choose their favorites! **Http / rkrc . Meijitales . com / vote . html **(no spaces) if you still haven't!

* * *

**Response to Reviews:**

**Strawberry'd:** I like wordplay as much as Kenshin likes foreplay, so you'll be seeing quite a lot of it hanging around in this story. I am random... As random as the Rabid Australian Penguin. We are cousins. Yes. (I'm making no sense, am I?) Thank you anyway for the review!

**Kawaii meeh:** My humor is the death of all things holy and all minds pure, as fans have informed me. Hope this was a fast enough update for you! (Even if it was over a month... Haha.)

Fireblade K'Chona: I love angst, too, but like you, I get so tired of it, especially since I write a lot of it. Sometimes, you just need to sit back, relax, and watch Kenshin be sexy. Yeahhhh!

**-Little Oro-:** Thank you!

**L1Ldumie TK:** Wow, really? The funniest? Thank you so much!

**NightIntent:** For the broomstick... As Spongebob Squarepants once said, "Imagination" (–does things with hands so you see a rainbow–). Life is just more fun with random people.

Anime-needy: GASP! How did I forget Zechs? He's muy sexy, too!

Ramoe Ayna: Thank you!

Chixxy: Ah, so terribly sorry for leaving without making sure there was plenty of pervertedness to tide you guys over! Hope this one is better when it comes to it!

**Cedahlia:** You know, I believe the two things that corrupted me where fanfiction and MTV? Both are scary, scary things, yet... Strangely... We can't look away...

**Anithene:** I should mention Sou sometime soon! He is our little bunny, after all, that adorable little thing. Next chapter, then! Sorry for not being on YIM lately but life's been a total drag!

**Lexi Teniro:** Don't die! LIVE! LIVE FOR AOSHI'S TIGHT NINJA ASS! ... ... ... You didn't just read that. (–nervous laughter–)

**Rose Quinn:** I like your new panname! It's very purty, hehe. And I liked the nipple-twiddling part, too. It's shocking enough to... err... shock people.

**Tastyfacewash:** Thanks for the review!

**Maiyuki-chan:** I'm glad you like the summary! I change them every chapter but I think I may have to revert to some of the old ones soon, because to understand the story fully, you have to read from the beginning, after all.

**Venus Goddess:** Haha, no problem! Your reviews make my day, too!

**Midnite Cherry Blossomz:** The drama! The excitement! The Maury Show! Uh... Maybe I've been watching that too many times, but trash TV is a good inspiration for OOCness! Maybe I should add some trailer trash the next chapter... Hehehehe!

**Skitzoflame:** No problem! This is a joy to write!

**Marstanuki:** (–worships–) When I first saw your review, I thought... Hm... So familiar. And I clicked on the link. And found that it was one of the Goddesses of Rurouni Kenshin Fanfiction reviewing–and _enjoying_–this crap-tacularily random story! Thank you so much! Your comments motivated me so much!

**GreenEyedFloozy:** I'm so glad you got the "two pills" comment! I was worried it would be a little too vague! That means I've either corrupted you well, or you're one of my twins!

**Fantastical Queen Ebony Black:** Thank you, thank you! I am getting quite infamous for my crack!fics, I believe, especially now that it's getting more and more raunchy. All the same, I think we all need a little perverted love every now and then! Angst can only get you to cry so much!

**StarShipDelta:** LOL, your comment on "it's wrong on so many levels" has given me a new idea for the next chapter. Thank you muchos muchos! It will be used... Well, if I said "well", I would be lying. So instead I'll say, "It will be used for making Kenshin an even sexier beast!"

**Itachida:** Thank you for voting! Wow, that means so much to me! I HEART you, and I hope this story has amused you as much as it amused me while I was writing it!

**Animedeprived:** I think we all need a naked Kenshin tied to a stick. We should start an organization for that... The Naked Kenshin Tied to a Stick Foundation! Yesh!

**Oro4:** Thank you!

**Yukishiro Tomoe-chan:** Thank you for allowing me to use that nickname! It will probably show up in the next chapter, so look out for it! Yes, Kenny-kins with Viagra. It's a dangerous world now!

**Legendary-yoshi:** Rhyming is fun. Like buns. And huns. And... Wow, I'm absolutely crap at rhyming, aren't I? Ah... Too late! I have already spread my corruption over everyone!

**Angerasu85:** Wow, the scary thing is, I understood what you wrote! Si! Vamos Kenshin! Yo quiero Kenshin! (Did I say that right? Or have I embarrassed the Spanish speaking population again?) Good times, good times!

**AnSushi:** It should be a rule to anyone who has an exam: immediately following a test, you must read about sexy Kenshin. That would make the world a better place!

Leah T: Thank you!

Nameless: That joke with Suboshi's balls is actually from an inside joke between me and a friend. We used to say stuff like, "Kenshin's mine!" or "Dibs on Sesshoumaru!" or something like that, so when it came to Fushigi Yuugi, we were really glad that there was a pair of hot twins. Suboshi for her and Amiboshi for me!

**Mizurio:** Don't die, don't die! (–sniggers–) I'm pretty sure they didn't use the end of the broom with the bristles, because it could poke something wrong, right? Ouch! Megumi could fix them up, I suppose, but then she might want to join in on the "fun" too. Hehehehe. So glad you got the counter joke, too! Thank you for the review, and muchos muchos love for voting for me!

**AmnarJoey:** Remember... Kenshin isn't just good... He's good in bed, too. He is a speed-bed-maker! Hehehehe!

**Green Animelover:** Glad you loved it! I hoped it made you laugh!

**Silver0150:** I aim to please by making Kenshin do outrageous things! Practice, after all, does make perfect!


End file.
